Not Enough

Today was my mother's birthday. She would have been 72.

I'm doing particularly badly today, but have been doing generally badly for weeks. I've done virtually nothing on one of my jobs; I'm sure they are just so glad they asked me to do it.

I'm so miserable and I don't know what to do about it that I'm not already doing. I think it wouldn't be a bad thing to be dead on almost a daily basis. I hurt and there is nothing that gives me any reason to think I'm going to become appreciably better. I have no family. What friends I do have are really just friends: none of them will ever come to visit me here or make me truly part of their family. And I haven't made any constant friends since I moved here. Given my experience, that's likely to remain the case.

Anyone who's reading this is already thinking "oh you should have hope" and "you don't really mean that" and "you don't know that's the case" and all that other optimistic stuff. And I wouldn't be able to convince such people — even if I bothered trying — that I have done and thought and felt all the hopeful, positive, productive things anyone has ever told me about, asked me about, or that I've read about or even thought of independently and none of it has worked.  But nobody ever believes me about that anyway. Just call me Cassandra.

I'm glad I have one regular-ish job, because then I don't have to worry about money as much. But honestly, it hasn't taken the misery off me. It's just notched the money-misery down several notches.

I don't see myself having a future that I want. I don't see myself not being alone anymore. I've tried. I've put my whole heart and being into trying, but I just can't.

I'm not making any decisions today or tomorrow. Maybe not ever. But I'm lonely and miserable and don't see that changing for any significant length of time. Seems it just keeps getting worse the older I get, and being all alone has just brought home how lonely I've been most of my life. Mom's gone. There's nobody left but me. 

And that's not enough.