My therapist doesn't know everything. Agreed, that shouldn't be shocking, but I thought she'd have some idea about why I have difficulties with orgasm, if they related back to an incident in college. Nope. Apparently that is more in the realm of sex therapists and mine is not.
Of course, now I have to wonder: should I see a sex therapist? Because I surely envy those women who seem to have orgasms effortlessly. Even the ones I give myself require epic effort most of the time. If only I could stop thinking. I feel only sympathy for the lovers I have had, given how frustrating I find it.
There was a short period of time around 40 when they seemed to happen easier, but that was by myself and, I'm ashamed to admit, my most serious foray into self-love. Yes, at 40. Hell, I didn't get my first vibrator until my late 40s. Just a slow bloomer I guess.
And now my age is beginning to turn on me, leaving me wondering, will I still feel sexual during menopause? Afterward? My sexual feelings come and go; if there is no one to play with, then my libido takes a long walk, but it eventually comes back again, even if there is only me. I've passed my sexual peak, virtually unaccompanied. Will I want even battery-operated company when I've passed the 'pause?
I worry. I think that having no sexual feelings, at least for someone who has had a very active libido (moreso than some of my partners — they wear out so quickly), would be a significant loss. It would be like losing a part of myself. I am a less ecstatic person when I am not engaging in my own pleasure. (When all is well with me, I've usually been a happy, cheery, and occasionally somewhat manic person. Very easily blissed out.)
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. One of my oldest friends doesn't talk about sex in quite that detail, at least with me. Another is still pre-M. Mom's gone. And I don't have any truly close friends to talk about this with. So I talk about it with all of you two or three people out in Digi-Land.
I hate uncertainty. I hate thinking I'll never have sex again. I hate thinking I'll never feel sexual again. I have a hot-air balloon full of feelings and fears and all I can do is hold tight to the balloon as it grows and grows.
I bought that KY Intense product to try. I don't know. I'll have to try it again. I was a bit nervous because the product notes say external use only, don't use it internally, but damn! Everything is so close together down there! I was afraid of getting it inside and getting the warming lube that I was experimenting with on the outside and what happens if you accidentally cross the lubes? I will say that the KY Intense feels a bit like mint on the outside.
In my search for more dependable (and greater) orgasms, I am a bit of an ad junkie. I've seen lately an ad for KY His & Hers or maybe it was KY Yours & Mine. Something like that. Apparently it feels great, one liquid for each person, and then when the two combine, KAPOW! I figure, I could use the Hers on me, of course, and the His on my Battery-Operated Boyfriend (aka B.O.B.) and see if it works. However, I have noticed a lack of ads for the KY Intense. Something tells me that perhaps it wasn't so intense and the new product is simply the new "flavor" of Orgasm Helper.
On the TV series CSI (the original, based in Las Vegas), there was a character named Lady Heather and she was a dominatrix who ran a BDSM club of sorts. Eventually, in order to be socially acceptable for inane reasons, she became a sex therapist instead. I wish she were real — I have a feeling she could help me out.
