But when someone tells me I'm doing pretty well, or that I'm doing great, a small alarm goes off inside my mind. Why wouldn't I be doing well? Is there something I don't know? Because I am not paying attention to the larger picture. I'm looking at each discrete task and achieving it, or figuring out how to achieve it. I completely forget why I have to remove things from the house, why I have to arrange for movers, why I have the vague feeling that each day here is one more closer to my very last.
What this all means is that the emotional context will come crashing down on me all at once and swamp me. I can accept that. I hope it waits until I'm home again.
It's like when we need to learn how to accept a compliment, and just say thanks. When someone tells us a nice thing, like in the midst of this difficulty you are not wallowing in a big sobbing heap (ya know, my default mode, that, or rage). Instead you are getting done what needs to be done and starting each new day fresh.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's a task unto itself.
Julie
I've been watching 80s Woody Allen lately. I love the complexity he allowed in his great films, especially Crimes and Misdemeanors.
ReplyDeleteThis line sounds like it's straight out of one of his films:
"But when someone tells me I'm doing pretty well, or that I'm doing great, a small alarm goes off inside my mind. Why wouldn't I be doing well? Is there something I don't know?"
I don't mean I'm laughing at you! Just shows that life is a really dark comedy sometimes.
But my fave line was from your other blog: "It hasn't been fun and I haven't been great at it, but nothing's blown up and I made it through alive. (I was going to say "no one died" but that isn't quite accurate.)"
I really LOLed at that one.
...Not that you're here to entertain me. I just thought I'd limit my comments to something non-advice-ee this time. ;-)