I am a Mystery

So said my therapist today. It takes awhile for a therapist and client to get to know each other, and for the therapist to discover important things about the client. I have a history of surprising or dumbfounding my therapists.

All of this stuff — the being barely functional, the depression, the anxiety, the paralysis — she thought was just since Mom died. Some things are so old-hat to me that I don't think to mention them, or else I think I already have.

Today's session was fairly free-ranging due to my unfocused and sedated mind. (My psych bumped me up to 4 mg of Lorazepam a day, which can be taken singly or in combination not to exceed two, and rather than diminishing my anxiety, it's just sedating me, which kind of increases my anxiety.) I led Karen the Wonder Therapist all over the place.

Eventually, I got stuck talking about my ex. This is the guy I moved in with and lived with for three years. This is the guy I wanted, and fully expected, to marry and have children with. This is the guy who so diminished and battered me verbally and emotionally that I think he broke something important inside me. This is the issue that Karen thinks may be more important to explore than the sexual abuse. And when we got to where I said I felt as if something had been broken inside me from my relationship with him, she thought for a moment and then said, "You are a Mystery." She had just discovered that my dysfunctions didn't start with Mom's dying. She perceived more of the big picture that is me.

I kind of like being a Mystery (yes, the capital M matters), but I'd rather be a Mystery for something more cool than my mental and emotional dysfunctions.

Current homework: attack the estate bills in small increments, earning computer privileges. Karen is one savvy therapist.

Negative Space

There is a style of painting and drawing where you use the "negative space" to create a picture. Generally, the negative space is the dark spaces, the shadows, and you draw the shapes of these dark areas until ... you have a recognizable picture! When done well, it is dramatic and beautiful.

Julie has recently called me on how I note the negatives and failures in my posts but not the positives and successes, even when I mention them. I don't even see them: I am drawing and seeing my life through the negative spaces, not the areas of light. I actually have a prose piece I wrote a few years ago when I was enduring great loneliness and depression and in it I speak of myself as living under shadows and looking out onto those who live in the light. Creating a life out of negative space is very dramatic, but it's not beautiful.

I have been better at perceiving positives at other times in my life. During those same times, I was usually doing gratitude journals or going through focused visualization and affirmations before bed. Sometimes I was "faking it until I made it" — smiling when I felt like frowning and so forth. But I was doing things that directly contributed to my positive mental health, beyond therapy or medications.

This morning I spent about 20 minutes on visualizations and affirmations (and where's that damned winning lottery ticket?!) — I felt more awake and more cheerful when I rolled out of bed than I usually do. I haven't been getting much out of doing a random reading out of each of some meaningful books, so tonight I'm going to start reading the Buddhism book by Boorstein one short chapter at a time; that has made me feel good in the past and has had a positive effect on my mental state. I believe doing these activities will make me more aware of positive occurrences and successes in my life. I hope to build in a positive feedback loop. Heaven knows I've got a very effective negative loop!

So feel free to point out the positives I've missed, Julie and anyone else who wants to. As I retrain my perceptions, I can probably do with a little help. I may have forgotten what successes look like!

Not Quite Succeeding

Well, I tried. This week, in addition to the regular therapy homework, I had my new behavioral homework, just a few tasks. And as simple and small were the challenges, it's going to take more than a week for me to incorporate everything successfully and routinely.

Therapy homework
Nope. Didn't even think of it until about an hour ago and a couple of hours before I go to sleep is not the best time.

Behavioral work

1. Take a shower and get dressed every day, preferably before noon.
   I showered every other day. I got dressed every day, although sometimes in lounge-around-the-house clothes. About half the time I managed this before noon. Lesson: Don't read more than one blog before beginning after-breakfast routine.
2. Eat three meals a day, plus a piece of fruit and/or a vegetable every day.
   Didn't manage the three meals at all. I still mess up the hours in my day. Started out okay with the fruit, but then let the rest of the fruit and some of the berries go bad. Managed that a third of the week. No vegies at all. Lesson: Create alarms to make me aware of meal times. Prepare vegies right after I bring them home. Be more vigilant and eat the fruit or vegie first.
3. Leave the apartment every day. Pick up my mail every day. Preferably mesh the two and walk to the mailbox every day to incorporate some body movement.
   Only one day did I manage the mesh. I think there were only two days when I didn't go out, thus two days (or maybe three) when I didn't pick up my mail. And the walk plus mail day was my only walk day. Lesson: Create a schedule for the week requiring me to leave. Walk the walking trail at the complex at least twice a week — maybe set an alarm for it. Pick up the mail when I return from my going out. Without an external reason, I just don't go. Still too inert.

I'm also still not getting to bed early. I haven't been to bed before 12 this week, and I hit 2-ish at least once, which makes me get up later. And I generally turn off my alarm and continue sleeping. I need to push myself (which I'm not yet succeeding at) to go to bed earlier, and I need to put my alarm across the room so I have to get up (the alarm doesn't stop until I physically turn it off, so this could work).

I also am finding I still need a Red Bull each day to help me stay awake. I had one all week and did fine. I didn't have one today and around two thirty was so tired I lay down. The alarm on my Mac woke me up just enough to turn it off. I went back to sleep until 6:30. Four hours. I wish I could simply take a nap for 30 minutes, rather than sleep through the afternoon. It cost me time on a project, pushing me even later.

So I had a couple of very small successes this week, plus I got some ideas about what might work for this coming week. I've been solidly this inert for months, so changing may take longer than I expected. Unfortunately, because I'm very tired of it. Plus, I'm not making any money, which puts me closer and closer to running out.

It doesn't seem fair, after all I've been through, to have to deal with all this, and alone. I know Life isn't fair, but I wish it would help me a bit. If I have to do it all myself, I just might end up living in my car. (Sorry, Julie.)

A Clean & Orderly Home

I like a clean and orderly home. Clutter bothers me. Dirt makes me physically uncomfortable. And you wouldn't know it if you saw my home now. I haven't finished unpacking in the six-ish months I've been here. The worst part is that I haven't cleaned, other than putting dishes in the dishwasher (and occasionally wiping down the countertops) and freshening up the toilet and once or twice wiping out the bathroom sink. Yes, this shames me. It is a clear and unequivocal sign of how depressed and anxious I am and have been. (Anxiety paralyzes me as surely as depression does, making which is the culprit unobvious to observers.)

Of course, one person's clutter is another person's uncluttered and my mother definitely found my uncluttered to be her clutter, and vice versa. Mom had many dustables, which she kept displayed neatly. I dislike dusting, so I want it to be as easy and quick to do as possible, which is why I'm getting rid of many of my dustables and looking to store what's left in sealed glass cabinets. I seem to have an allergy to dust and dust mites, so I have to get rid of the dust if I want to keep breathing and refrain from coughing. And having tidy bookshelves and clean surfaces satisfies a personal aesthetic. It's also easier to find the book I want.

I like being able to find what I'm looking for in a short amount of time. Now, I waste time looking for things, time I could spend doing stuff I like to do. 

I used to keep my things picked up and orderly. My bedroom when I was a child and a teenager was tidy and clean and I had only two small drawers that were my "junk" drawers where things were higgledy piggledy. They were like small treasure chests; I did not want my entire life to be that kind of treasure chest, just those two drawers. 

Back in the day, I found that it was much easier to keep my space at the level of clean and tidy that I wanted if I kept it up at all times — putting stuff away, cleaning on a schedule. As my life fell apart, bit by bit over the years, so did my levels of clean, tidy, organized. 

For example, my first home had an oak floor in the living room. When I first moved in, I took off my shoes at the door and I swept up the floor at least every other day. It was a pleasure: I loved that floor and sweeping it was an exercise in mindfulness before I ever knew what that was. It gave me pleasure. But when things happened that caused me great pain and depression, doing anything, especially anything that gave me pleasure, became virtually impossible and my floor lost its clean and shiny look. And that made me even sadder.

A vision

In my mind, every item in my home is in its place, including clothing and shoes, and put away neatly, without being squished, squashed, or wrinkled to fit it in. My home is easy to dust because the flat surfaces have few things on them — no piles of papers, no stacks of books and magazines. The few dustables I own are arranged neatly and visibly (because otherwise why have them?) My home is easy to vacuum because there is no stuff cluttering the floor — no out-of-place shoes, no piles of magazines and books (see a theme here?), no basket of unfolded laundry, no purses or totes littering the floor. My bedroom is a haven of calmness and my closet is ordered such that I can easily find the clothes and shoes I want, as well as the out-of-season bedding and other stored items. My kitchen is clean and my counters are clear; I can make brownies any time I want without a major effort to make space. I can — and do — eat my meals at my dining table.

Bonus: it doesn't take me much time at all to keep my home in this state, because I put my shoes and clothing away when I remove them, I put my purse or tote in the space for them. I unpack sacks when I bring them in and put those items away immediately. And I go through all my mail when I bring it into the house, noting the date each bill is due, addressing other mail that needs addressing, and tossing the junk. Piles don't form.

Then money floats through my door and into my wallet and bank account. My emotional eating disappears and with it my excess weight. And I write my first novel. And oh yeah: depression and anxiety? GONE!

Ta da!

Now does anyone know someone who could help me achieve any of this? Anyone? Anyone?

**crickets**

Step, step

Well, I'm not perfect after all. Huh.

Today I did get up (altho' it was almost 10) and eat breakfast. I didn't shower but I did dress. But I didn't leave the apartment (except to put the garbage can outside my apartment) and I did not have a piece of fruit or vegetable. (The plum, kept in the fridge, was just not quite ripe enough.) However, I did manage a bonus action of cleaning the papers and books off the floor and into a box or the bookshelf.

I don't know why I didn't leave the apartment. It's part of this problem I have, this huge disconnect between thought and action. I can think about an action, but it takes a great deal of time and effort to get over the barrier into committing the action. It's not laziness. It's a problem, one that we hope to fix with the help of therapy.

For tomorrow: earlier out of bed, a shower, a shorter morning routine, that plum, and a little visit on foot to the mail box. And an earlier bed time.

Baby Steps? Maybe for a Baby Bird!

Sunday:

Tiny, little, eensy baby steps. I did wash my dishes from my meals (but not from my evening snack yet). I did two smaller tasks and one load of laundry, but haven't approached my therapy homework or the two projects I have to do for other people. I did the easy stuff, basically. But I did something.

I still didn't leave the apartment. I did not do any exercise inside. And I have not picked up around the place. Still, I did something.

I tend to have overly high expectations for myself, making disappointment almost a given. The only way to avoid disappointment is to refrain from expectations. That is one of the things I am working toward.

Update: I did do my therapy homework, but that was it for the evening. No dishes.

Monday:

Today was therapy, and we discussed my plans. Karen believes that setting up the basic living habits — getting up, showering and getting dressed, and leaving the apartment, even to pick up my mail, which I should do daily — are fundamental. The extent to which a person lacks the basic living habits shows the extent of a person's depression. Guess where I am. So we agreed that getting those basic habits, plus adding a minor thing to work toward healthy eating habits (a fruit and a vegetable a day; or maybe it was a fruit or a vegetable a day — I'll do what I can without over stressing about it), is essential. These things will form the foundation on which to begin rebuilding my life skills, and, my life.

Today I went to therapy, went for a walk, went to the grocery store, filled the car with gas (when it was almost out), picked up some not-excessively unhealthy fast food, and that ended the productive portion of my day. I then watched movies on my laptop for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

Tomorrow, I begin doing the basics. I'll keep track and post.

As for therapy: I did my homework, we went over it, and I cried. Not as cathartic as previously, but it was a shorter piece and it was a less-emotional piece. I think that the real catharsis and "emptying" occurs when the emotional content is higher, and the trauma greater.

Not a thrilling post. Just one of those daily kind. I expect there will be a lot of those, as I begin my new Self-Rebuilding procedure.

Starting from Scratch

Depression devastates. It devours. It consumes your life and, if it goes on long enough or is bad enough, it can consume even your life skills.

I've been battling depression and anxiety directly for about 27 years; I've suffered from anxiety since I was a child. For a long time, I managed to hold on to the usual life skills of cleaning, cooking, staying organized, but during my worst periods have seen those skills erode. Since my mom's death, the anxiety and depression have taken me all the way down to the ground. 

I don't pick up. I don't clean. I don't fix meals ... I just buy stuff and it goes bad. I don't pay my bills on time. I don't look for work. It's not laziness. I don't do any of these things because I am overwhelmed by it. I sit on the couch and when I think about doing any of those tasks, my anxiety flares up and I'm even more stuck to the couch than before. The depression weighs me down and makes me feel vague and weak. Days pass by in a haze and I am constantly surprised by the end of the day.

I'm at ground zero and around me lay the ruins of my life. Not only do I not do basic life tasks and routines, I don't do the things I love other, such as write and go for walks.

The depression and anxiety have shown signs of clearing. I finally want to live again, which is rather new since Mom's death. But I have a lot of work to do before I am doing anything other than surviving.

I plan to continue to use this blog to talk about my therapy, but I am also going to use it as a journal of learning to live all over again. None of my therapists have offered me any way to do this; all we do is talk about ideas. Obviously that hasn't worked. I'll be making this up as I go along, cobbling together solutions and motivations and simple "how do I drag myself along" functions from other people's suggestions, from things I read, and from whatever I can dredge up a brain that's had most of its creativity smothered in muck for a very long time.

The things I intend to concentrate on first are

1. Basic routines & habits: moving the morning routine along faster and to somewhere other than the couch; putting the dishes away when they are clean; putting out the garbage in a timely manner; going to bed at a reasonable time and with a dependable routine.
2. Cleaning: first, clearing out the detritus that currently covers every surface, sorting, that overall declutter that needs to take place before I can even develop routines. I think I'll have a cleaning person come in and do a deep, thorough clean after I get all the clutter handled. Then develop habits and routines.
3. Money & paperwork: get my check register up to date; get my bills scheduled on my calendar so I can pay them on time; get that bankruptcy info; stay on top of my check register by actually entering all my debit card purchases (what a thought!). Truly concentrate on decreasing expenses. Do my 2010 taxes. Clean up existing files and start new ones, such as my 2011 tax files, now that we are halfway through the year. Develop a routine for handling paper that comes into the apartment.
4. Physical activity: daily activity such as walking or doing exercises; refraining from sitting so much.
5. Meals: fix actual meals for myself. I don't need four-course feasts and I am fine with having the same food frequently, but I do need more stability than cereal with berries for breakfast. Start small with easy stuff.
6. Stuff I love to do: make time to write and do other things I enjoy on a regular basis. Another habit/routine maneuver — makes habits of these things so I remember to do them.
7. Look for work: look into the things I need to do to find or make work; look at job boards, redo my resume and portfolio and all the rest of that; and do it all regularly.

Well. That's a lot of stuff to start with. But each of those sets is very important. Maybe I'll cut it down, start a couple of essential things every 2 - 3 weeks. Even figuring out how to start is something I need to relearn.

So check back. This could be very interesting ... or it could be unimaginably tedious. Just as long as it eventually succeeds.

Decent day — good day

When I was thinking of the title for tonight's post, I thought "I've had a good day.  A decent day." The fact that I downgraded it from good to decent struck me. Why do I so often diminish the good, but the bad is always way up there — awful, horrible, terrible? When I exchanged greetings with someone I know around the complex, he said he was "good" and I said I was "not too bad." Am I afraid that I will attract The Bad by giving attention to The Good? It's weird, whatever it is.

Therapy Day today. I still hadn't done my homework, so we talked about all the other crap. Then I learned that while I thought I'd been doing cognitive therapy in the past, I hadn't done it in the orderly manner that Karen does it. 

We were discussing, hell, I don't remember all of it specifically.  We discussed my living in the past and the future. We discussed my meltdowns of last week. Then she asked me if she'd gone over the Cognitive Distortions checklist. No, she hadn't, and I'm glad she thought to do so today. I have a lot of the distorted thinking patterns on her list. For example, All or Nothing thinking, where everything is black or white. When my meltdowns occur, that's the first place I go. Or "Mental filter: you pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water." Might as well put my picture on that one. One bad thing can color the rest of a predominantly good thing for me. 

My current homework is to note these distortions when I think them, label them, then replace them with corrected, undistorted thoughts.

I've been in therapy for over half my life. I was told that much of it was cognitive therapy. But I've never had it targeted this well or been given such specific information and ways to deal with it.

My other homework is to get some balance in my life with the computer. I've let the computer be my escape from reality, my distraction from thinking or living. Now my intention is to use the computer as a tool — for writing, for communicating, for doing work — and to not use it for escapist activities. Nope, no planning any prison breaks on the computer for me! Oh, not that kind of escapist. And if you check out my blog list down on the right, you'll see "zen habits." In my previous post I mentioned the blog author's book, Focus. Well part of that book talks about becoming addicted to the computer and allowing it to control you rather than the other way around. Luckily for me, this book has come to me at the right time to help me with this specific task. Oh, and with the next one.

In order to deal with my forever living in the past and the future rather than the present, my homework is to practice mindfulness and get out of my head. Think outwardly, not inwardly. Yeah, that will be easy. I worked on it while on my short walk. "Oh look, pretty trees. Ow, my feet hurt. Listen to the birds. The sun is in my eyes. Smell the scent of trees and pine needles and dust. My feet still hurt." It was like dragging a toddler along on my walk! Which, in some way, I guess I was. That inner child thing.

And, of course, I need to continue on my trauma homework.

It's a whole lot of work, certainly. I must make it a priority or I'll never do any of it. And at my advanced age, it's high time I stop suffering from my past and fearing my future and simply begin living my life. Because being miserable has lost its glamour somehow.

Meltdown

Well, I melted down most of last week. Lost all power of perspective, all positivity, all courage. I let fear and the scarcity-mindset take me over and make me their bitch.

That's over. This week I have regained perspective. I am putting great effort into the power of positivity and gratitude. I'm remembering how courageous I am and have been in my life. I'm remembering hope. I'm kicking fear and scarcity in their skinny little butts.

I used to have routines; I had habits. I had regular behaviors. I cooked and ate decent meals, and cleaned my home and kept it organized. I walked. I went to bed and got up at reasonable hours and I read some useful and inspirational books at bedtime so I could take their wisdom into sleep with me.

I do none of that right now. But I'm on the verge of relearning it all and one of the things helping me with this is the zenhabits web site and the free e-book Focus by the site's author, Leo Babauta. One of my favorite things about this book is that he says to not set goals, that goals can be more destructive and constructive. Yes! I heretofore discard goals.

My  goal  ... I mean, my intention is to get back to my pre-Mom's-cancer state of being meltdown-free. I worked hard for a couple of years — from when I first realized what was going on in my mind when I had these hamsters-whirling-around-in-my-head phases that made me feel I was going crazy — to get to where I knew my cycles and my triggers and how to perceive if and when I was developing a meltdown so I could head it off. I got very good at that. Then one of those little detours of life threw me out of that calmness and awareness (at a time I could have used it) and now I get to learn it and practice it all again. Well, I guess it's supposed to be character-building.

I swear that once I put myself back together again, I'll have a character that not even a nuclear bomb could shatter.