A late childhood

Several people have written how it's never to late to have a good childhood. In some ways they are correct (given you have the option). And who better than you to give it to yourself? Who knows what you really want, once we realize that Santa doesn't?

Oh, sure, my folks often got it right because my brother and I were verbose in our desires, and our desires were fairly simple. We both got our 10-speed bikes. I got books. He got cars. Now, I also got Barbie, who I hated with a passion. And the year i asked for a stereo, my brother got the stereo and I got a small TV, which I had no use for, not being at all interested in watching TV in my room (it ended up in our camper for camping trips).

My childhood was fairly decent, except for the fear of being with my cousin, the fear of all the me-improvements my aunts would initiate every time we had a family get together, the fear of a variety of school bullies who recognized the victimized part of me ... a little too much fear for a truly good childhood. Unfortunately, I'm still experiencing rather a lot of fear for a truly good adulthood.

But maybe giving myself a new childhood, free of fear, will alleviate at least some of the adult fears. Thus, I think it's time for a plan. Okay, maybe making a plan for a second childhood is rather antithetical and a little ridiculous. How about an un-plan, which sounds a bit Peter Pan-ish?

For example, clean up my rooms. If they are clean, I'll have room to play with my toys. Note: get some toys. I'll have room to dance around and be a goof.

Also, go outside, even if it's just a short walk. Or go sit on the dock nearby and draw.

Write stories that are goofy and have no plot.

At first, I might actually need to remind myself to play and have fun. I might have to schedule it. I hope that the simple pleasures and joys will take on a life of their own and I won't need to remind myself.

In the past, I have been silly and goofy, even as an adult. I have a whimsical nature, when it isn't in hiding due to the simple fear of going stone-broke. I've even been given the best of all compliments by a pair of 9-year-old cousins, when I was about 30. 

I'd been playing outside with one or both all afternoon until they'd worn me out. So I told them I was done for now and was going inside. They wanted to know why. I told them I was tired and besides, I wanted to hang out with the adults. They couldn't fathom why I'd want to do that, so I explained that I was an adult. At which they went into giggles and said "No you're not!" Best. Compliment. Evah.

I need to spend time with kids again; they are my preferred peer group and we get each other. It's also a good way to remind myself to be like a child. In the good ways, like finding awe in simple things and laughing just because life is funny, not in the bad way like stomping my feet and crying because I can't have my way. Of course, those behaviors have something to recommend them, too.

So here's to toy dinosaurs and LEGO castles and Star Wars figurines, to play-doh and water colors and coloring books. To staring up at the stars and down at the dirt. To painting my nails all different colors because I can and to then giggling at them because they are funny.

It might be time to pick up a DVD of old Bugs Bunny cartoons, too!

Night-night

This. Day. SUCKS!!!

Taxes

There should be a hardship extension where you can just ask for the extension and get no penalties for not paying money. I don't have all my information; it turns out what I have is mostly Mom's. I'm not sure how to get some of mine. The H&R Block people didn't get back to me to answer the question of what happens if I just don't file yet. The other, highly recommended accountant I called didn't offer me anything more than that they can't help me because it's too late and they are busy. Fine. I'm in trouble either way.

I feel completely incompetent because I haven't handled my taxes in a timely manner.

Medication & Insurance

Insurance didn't pay for one of my new medications and I don't know why. I didn't buy it because it was $255.

I need to find out how much of my deductible I paid last year, and how much I've paid so far this year; I may find it best to double the deductible and decrease the monthly payment.

I feel incompetent because I don't know how to figure out the math to determine the best course of action regarding deductibles and monthly payments. I feel overwhelmed because there seems to be so much to do.

Anxiety through the roof

Interestingly, my anxiety was very high today. How odd. ::insert sarcasm emoticon here:: I took my new drug, which I prefer to the previous one for the over-the-top anxiety. I spent some time on Twitter and Facebook and IM chat with friends and had a very good time. However, I can feel the edges of feeling manic.* I can feel this kind of electric fizz zipping up and down my edges. There is a rushing in my ears as if I've been inside a rock concert or taken too much aspirin. I feel both hyper and exhausted. Kind of getting slugged in the gut by a bolt of lightning.

My anxiety also provides me with an added benefit of paranoia, the kind where I feel left out. On purpose. (There's this story from when I was in 4th grade, but I won't tell it right now.) I know the online community I'm part of is full of people making friends in their own ways and at their own rates. I just feel ... slow. Inadequate. I have one full-blown friendship, and another two that are growing. But the other people know all kinds of stuff about each other that I don't. About lots of the others. 

These factors bring me back to my feeling that I am broken or missing some important psycho-social developmental step.

Additionally, my PTSD is having a good time. Hypervigilance is not my friend. I cannot relax completely. I see things out of the corners of my eyes. When I'm in the shower I think I hear someone at the door, or I fear someone important will come to the door or that I will miss an important phone call. And I fear bugs, because I'm not tossing all food wrappers every night and I'm not putting my dishes into the dishwasher every night. When my therapist asked me if I startle easily, I laughed.

Solitude

Since my best friend in Houston had a cardiac arrest this fall and decided to redevote himself to his marriage in his usual laser-focused manner, I never see him anymore and talk to him seldom or only in five-minute chunks. He's been too busy for lunch or for the occasional wandering off or even a walk in the park.

My two girlfriends locally have become too busy to even return email much. One of them I have not seen in months.

My best girlfriends far away don't call and seldom write, unless I initiate. They were like that when I lived near them; I don't know what made me think they would change. They love to see me when I'm there, but they don't think of me much in between. And Facebook really isn't a forum that encourages actual emotional intimacy.

Therefore, I'm developing some online friends, but expecting them to fill much of my need for emotional intimacy, especially given my extreme needs and intensity, is unreasonable.

I'm feeling ridiculous because my feelings are childish. I'm feeling incompetent at making friends and at being an adult.

Other than the online conversation I had, it's been a shitty day. 

* I am not manic depressive, but part of my lovely brain and mind is that I do get periods of what psychotherapists and psychiatrists call "hypomania," meaning that manic feelings and behavior that are not the bipolar I kind. They are lesser: I won't go out and spend $10,000 on a shopping spree, but I might spend $300-400. Or behave over the top. Or drink. Or just be excessively hyper and talkative.

Fair

What do you mean by fair?

I am struggling with anger and resentment over an issue dealing with fairness. "Equal" does not mean the same thing as "fair," except sometimes. Same with "equitable." By handing out equal work or prizes to two or more people, your actions may be unfair to at least one of them.

I have a childish desire for fairness in all things, even though I have an adult knowledge that life is neither fair nor unfair, it simply is. These two ages of me are often waging fierce battle.

I feel that because life contains both the fair and the unfair, I must strive to be as fair as possible, because I have the capacity and the discernment for fairness. I think this is one aspect that sentience grants to those of us who have it (which can include humans --- but not all of them --- parrots, cats, dogs, horses, crows, elephants, and rocks). It is our responsibility to use this aspect and to use it ... well ... fairly.

Still, I want to scuff my sneakers and pout that "It's. Not. Fair!"

[In Welsh, llan fair means church (or churchyard) of Mary. In Welsh, Mair means Mary. The form here mutates the M into a V sound, which Welsh spells as F. So Mary is fair is kind of like saying Mary is mary. But only if you have a weird linguistic derailed train of thought.]