Taxes
There should be a hardship extension where you can just ask for the extension and get no penalties for not paying money. I don't have all my information; it turns out what I have is mostly Mom's. I'm not sure how to get some of mine. The H&R Block people didn't get back to me to answer the question of what happens if I just don't file yet. The other, highly recommended accountant I called didn't offer me anything more than that they can't help me because it's too late and they are busy. Fine. I'm in trouble either way.
I feel completely incompetent because I haven't handled my taxes in a timely manner.
Medication & Insurance
Insurance didn't pay for one of my new medications and I don't know why. I didn't buy it because it was $255.
I need to find out how much of my deductible I paid last year, and how much I've paid so far this year; I may find it best to double the deductible and decrease the monthly payment.
I feel incompetent because I don't know how to figure out the math to determine the best course of action regarding deductibles and monthly payments. I feel overwhelmed because there seems to be so much to do.
Anxiety through the roof
Interestingly, my anxiety was very high today. How odd. ::insert sarcasm emoticon here:: I took my new drug, which I prefer to the previous one for the over-the-top anxiety. I spent some time on Twitter and Facebook and IM chat with friends and had a very good time. However, I can feel the edges of feeling manic.* I can feel this kind of electric fizz zipping up and down my edges. There is a rushing in my ears as if I've been inside a rock concert or taken too much aspirin. I feel both hyper and exhausted. Kind of getting slugged in the gut by a bolt of lightning.
My anxiety also provides me with an added benefit of paranoia, the kind where I feel left out. On purpose. (There's this story from when I was in 4th grade, but I won't tell it right now.) I know the online community I'm part of is full of people making friends in their own ways and at their own rates. I just feel ... slow. Inadequate. I have one full-blown friendship, and another two that are growing. But the other people know all kinds of stuff about each other that I don't. About lots of the others.
These factors bring me back to my feeling that I am broken or missing some important psycho-social developmental step.
Additionally, my PTSD is having a good time. Hypervigilance is not my friend. I cannot relax completely. I see things out of the corners of my eyes. When I'm in the shower I think I hear someone at the door, or I fear someone important will come to the door or that I will miss an important phone call. And I fear bugs, because I'm not tossing all food wrappers every night and I'm not putting my dishes into the dishwasher every night. When my therapist asked me if I startle easily, I laughed.
Solitude
Since my best friend in Houston had a cardiac arrest this fall and decided to redevote himself to his marriage in his usual laser-focused manner, I never see him anymore and talk to him seldom or only in five-minute chunks. He's been too busy for lunch or for the occasional wandering off or even a walk in the park.
My two girlfriends locally have become too busy to even return email much. One of them I have not seen in months.
My best girlfriends far away don't call and seldom write, unless I initiate. They were like that when I lived near them; I don't know what made me think they would change. They love to see me when I'm there, but they don't think of me much in between. And Facebook really isn't a forum that encourages actual emotional intimacy.
Therefore, I'm developing some online friends, but expecting them to fill much of my need for emotional intimacy, especially given my extreme needs and intensity, is unreasonable.
I'm feeling ridiculous because my feelings are childish. I'm feeling incompetent at making friends and at being an adult.
Other than the online conversation I had, it's been a shitty day.
* I am not manic depressive, but part of my lovely brain and mind is that I do get periods of what psychotherapists and psychiatrists call "hypomania," meaning that manic feelings and behavior that are not the bipolar I kind. They are lesser: I won't go out and spend $10,000 on a shopping spree, but I might spend $300-400. Or behave over the top. Or drink. Or just be excessively hyper and talkative.
Bastard! My comment got tossed out completely! You were right, this sucks. I'll e-mail you instead. Damn, I was very insightful and witty too.
ReplyDeleteJulie
I'm sure you were completely insightful and witty. I am thinking about going over to Wordpress, but it doesn't look like I have quite the control over the look and feel that I have here.
ReplyDelete(I always copy my text on long posts before hitting "post" on any type of site! Now I'll never know the clever things Julie said!)
ReplyDeleteOh la. I hear you, on so much of this. Friendship is my big insecurity area (my incident was grade 9.) I always feel like online communities of friends are going on at a level I can never catch up to. My natural instincts about these things can be paranoia, but I've long taught myself not to trust my instincts re friendship. Rational thought allowed only. Which may be why I forgive the majority of perceived slights--I can't afford to read into anything, cause my judgment's too off.
Meanwhile, re a lot of your other feelings, they're so familiar to me because my husband expresses them. I keep feeling like all our fights are because I'm too selfish, he thinks they're cause he's too needy. In any case I'm offline a lot this week as we try to reconnect after the three weeks he was gone. Yours' is the one blog I'm trying to be sure to check because the last thing you need is a fairweather-net-friend. ;-)
Good luck with the taxes. My husband and I have paid late before--he was 4-5 years behind when we got together (some owing, some owed I think.) The amounts weren't huge, so the govt ignored us. Must have paid some interest. But your situation might be more complicated. Too bad H&R were so boneheadedly rude about it. Like they never get any last minute requests??
As for health insurance stuff, I know NOTHING. So I totally understand Le Panic. But lack of knowledge isn't incompetence, and anyway you'll get there. I believe in you, Timex. :-)