Negative Space

There is a style of painting and drawing where you use the "negative space" to create a picture. Generally, the negative space is the dark spaces, the shadows, and you draw the shapes of these dark areas until ... you have a recognizable picture! When done well, it is dramatic and beautiful.

Julie has recently called me on how I note the negatives and failures in my posts but not the positives and successes, even when I mention them. I don't even see them: I am drawing and seeing my life through the negative spaces, not the areas of light. I actually have a prose piece I wrote a few years ago when I was enduring great loneliness and depression and in it I speak of myself as living under shadows and looking out onto those who live in the light. Creating a life out of negative space is very dramatic, but it's not beautiful.

I have been better at perceiving positives at other times in my life. During those same times, I was usually doing gratitude journals or going through focused visualization and affirmations before bed. Sometimes I was "faking it until I made it" — smiling when I felt like frowning and so forth. But I was doing things that directly contributed to my positive mental health, beyond therapy or medications.

This morning I spent about 20 minutes on visualizations and affirmations (and where's that damned winning lottery ticket?!) — I felt more awake and more cheerful when I rolled out of bed than I usually do. I haven't been getting much out of doing a random reading out of each of some meaningful books, so tonight I'm going to start reading the Buddhism book by Boorstein one short chapter at a time; that has made me feel good in the past and has had a positive effect on my mental state. I believe doing these activities will make me more aware of positive occurrences and successes in my life. I hope to build in a positive feedback loop. Heaven knows I've got a very effective negative loop!

So feel free to point out the positives I've missed, Julie and anyone else who wants to. As I retrain my perceptions, I can probably do with a little help. I may have forgotten what successes look like!

Not Afraid of It

I made a commitment a few months ago to blog every day about my therapy and my growth and change. I haven't managed it. I did well until my Haldol-induced Zombie-tude in June. And since then, it's been about 50-50.

Part of the problem is that I've felt dull and like I've had nothing interesting to say, or nothing to say at all. Part of the problem is that I've been so depressed or so anxious that I could barely talk. Neither of these aspects lend themselves to blogging.

Another part of it is that I have this blog, and I have my more public blog: these two have to have different faces, different subject matter. I've been writing more for the other one than I had in awhile. Sometimes I have to stop and think about which one I'm writing for. Sometimes I'll think I'm writing for this blog, but it turns out the post is better suited for the other one, and occasionally it's vice versa. Well, today I added another layer of complexity and started a professional-facing blog. That's the one I've attached my whole, real name to, my web site to, and that I'll let everyone know about. I don't think there will be a problem figuring out when I'm writing for that blog.

So what do I have to say today? I accomplished some things, then fell back into immobility? I still haven't gotten out and walked, but I've done some deep knee bends, a bit of boogying, and some kitchen-counter push-ups? My muscle tone is scarily poor, but just doing a couple of things seems to have an effect.

I'm just still having problems with these damned speed bumps!

I don't know. Maybe there is some very forceful visualization work I need to do. It's been a long time since I've done any. It couldn't hurt.

I'm in a dreadful place of anxiety right now, with Julie's "Hungry Ghosts" ringing me — I can see their teeth and hear them sing. But as Julie says: acknowledge, distract, distract, distract. I add to that sedate, sedate, sedate! But the anxiety is making paying my bills a problem because even thinking of paying my bills brings the anxiety and the HGs.

Because of the weight I put on in the past year, a lot of my clothes from the previous 2-3 years don't fit. So I bought 3 pair of shorts and a nightgown. The shorts are just a tad tight, which is okay. Not tight enough to pop buttons or be uncomfortable, but tight enough to fit me for quite a few pounds down. (Plus, they are shorter than anything I've worn in quite a while and even with that lack of muscle tone my legs still got it!) As for the nightie, well, the cut was nice and the fabric is cotton and modal. Sigh. It's pink, true, but more of a peony pink than a Barbie pink, so I'm good with it. It fits so well and it's so comfortable. So these four items were good buys for me, no matter what.

Well, there. See? Communicating. However, that's all I got right now. I've written two other posts already tonight! And I find I can write and edit a post, even one that I'm being all professional with, in 45 minutes for a post that was as high as 600 words but final count was 571. Not too bad.

Chemistry for Sadness

I saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner today (aka psych). I told her that I am feeling better mood-wise, but I'm still anxious and I just cannot seem to break that inertia-to-active barrier. (I didn't call it that; I just came up with it. But it's a great and intelligent-sounding phrase, isn't it?)

She listened to me this time (and I felt listened to, although she did call a patient and leave a message while I was in there — there is always something that takes up part of our 10 minutes or so together). Then she made notes on her computer and kind of rummaged around and came up with a med that is currently being used as an "add-on" to help bump up an anti-depressant. It's folic acid, the thing that they give pregnant women so that their fetus will have what it needs. This version of the folic acid, however, passes through the blood-brain barrier, which is what allows it to help with depression, so said my psych. It's been used very successfully with cancer patients; I hope that means they've also used it people who are depressed but don't have cancer.

I picked up my prescriptions and asked to talk to the pharmacist because I hadn't been on this particular med before. The first thing she asked me was were my folate levels down. Well, my psych didn't ask for that to be tested, which I didn't mention to the pharmacist (but I probably should have). I told her it was being used to treat my depression; she said yes, because when your folate levels are low you can get depressed. Okay ....

I'm on this med, wondering if I need to get my folate levels tested and if I should keep taking it if my folate levels get too high. Did my psych think about that? Does she know what would happen? Now I need to call her to ask her.

I suppose this is just another of the things I should probably be tested for, but I'm putting off going to the doctor for my "well woman" exam. Why? Because the lab tests cost a lot of money, and I'm still about $1500 from reaching my deductible. That's a hell of a lot of money for me right now. Therefore, until I have money (income or winning the lottery), I'm putting off my exam, my mammogram, the dentist, and lab tests.

In the meantime, assuming that my psych puts my concerns to rest, I anxiously await the effects of my new med. While I now have my new visualization for getting over "speed bumps" (that inertia-to-active barrier I mentioned earlier) — a big, black classic Jeep, built for extreme off-road action, it sneers at speed bumps — I still could use some help. I hope that my new chemical, which supposedly has no known side effects but could cause an allergic reaction, which is why I took my pill when I got home rather than waiting until just before bed, provides me with that help.

I wonder if it will cure me of extreme punctuation use?