I made a commitment a few months ago to blog every day about my therapy and my growth and change. I haven't managed it. I did well until my Haldol-induced Zombie-tude in June. And since then, it's been about 50-50.
Part of the problem is that I've felt dull and like I've had nothing interesting to say, or nothing to say at all. Part of the problem is that I've been so depressed or so anxious that I could barely talk. Neither of these aspects lend themselves to blogging.
Another part of it is that I have this blog, and I have my more public blog: these two have to have different faces, different subject matter. I've been writing more for the other one than I had in awhile. Sometimes I have to stop and think about which one I'm writing for. Sometimes I'll think I'm writing for this blog, but it turns out the post is better suited for the other one, and occasionally it's vice versa. Well, today I added another layer of complexity and started a professional-facing blog. That's the one I've attached my whole, real name to, my web site to, and that I'll let everyone know about. I don't think there will be a problem figuring out when I'm writing for that blog.
So what do I have to say today? I accomplished some things, then fell back into immobility? I still haven't gotten out and walked, but I've done some deep knee bends, a bit of boogying, and some kitchen-counter push-ups? My muscle tone is scarily poor, but just doing a couple of things seems to have an effect.
I'm just still having problems with these damned speed bumps!
I don't know. Maybe there is some very forceful visualization work I need to do. It's been a long time since I've done any. It couldn't hurt.
I'm in a dreadful place of anxiety right now, with Julie's "Hungry Ghosts" ringing me — I can see their teeth and hear them sing. But as Julie says: acknowledge, distract, distract, distract. I add to that sedate, sedate, sedate! But the anxiety is making paying my bills a problem because even thinking of paying my bills brings the anxiety and the HGs.
Because of the weight I put on in the past year, a lot of my clothes from the previous 2-3 years don't fit. So I bought 3 pair of shorts and a nightgown. The shorts are just a tad tight, which is okay. Not tight enough to pop buttons or be uncomfortable, but tight enough to fit me for quite a few pounds down. (Plus, they are shorter than anything I've worn in quite a while and even with that lack of muscle tone my legs still got it!) As for the nightie, well, the cut was nice and the fabric is cotton and modal. Sigh. It's pink, true, but more of a peony pink than a Barbie pink, so I'm good with it. It fits so well and it's so comfortable. So these four items were good buys for me, no matter what.
Well, there. See? Communicating. However, that's all I got right now. I've written two other posts already tonight! And I find I can write and edit a post, even one that I'm being all professional with, in 45 minutes for a post that was as high as 600 words but final count was 571. Not too bad.
"Not too bad." Not too bad?! This is wonderful progress! Cheer for yourself a bit dammit. (Winky face emoticon.)
ReplyDeleteJulie
(How you keep more than one blog straight is beyond me, and now there are several....)
18 in March +4 (on other blog) = 22
ReplyDelete30 in April + 5 = 35
19 in May + 9 = 28
23 in June + 5 = 28
18 in July so far + 5 = 23
Ahem. That's more than 50/50. ;-)
But, like, it's quality not quantity, non? This is just a tool for healing.
Does Karen know the full extent of the problems (money etc) that you're facing? Just curious.
Julie: Yay me! Go me! I ROCK! (How's that?) But seriously, thank you for reminding me. I keep forgetting to be positive. I keep forgetting to see positive.
ReplyDeleteI have so much inside of me that needs to be said --- probably why there is always all this noise inside my mind. The only times the noise and music and voices are silent is when I am fully involved in writing and when I am being very mindful and paying complete attention to what I'm doing --- I can do this while I'm hand-washing just a few dishes!
I need to return to writing fiction. I see the blogs as one aspect of my writing and fiction as another and non-fiction --- there are some things I want to do there --- as yet another. I'd rather not return to writing about computer software and hardware. I want to keep writing about stuff that I find interesting. So keep those FGBVs for that coming!
Mabel: thanks ever so much for the count. You are right. And I have to say, I think that most of those posts are quality as well. And Yes, Karen does know about the money, too. It's why I'm now seeing her only everyother week. :(