Slowly, stealthily, the positive thoughts and constructs leaked out of my mind and the dark, negative thoughts slid in. I didn't even notice, the dark ones feel so familiar. I feel consumed by the unfairness of life, grief, and loss. There's a positivity-sized hole in my mind: how do I stop it so I can keep my mind balanced and positive? After all, a friend spent an entire week writing about positivity in response to my desire for validation for my less-than-positive reality.
My mind is not a happy place to reside in. I cruise my usual blogs, but comment seldom because the useful- and/or positive-comment area of my brain is empty. All around me, fairies are falling to the ground and kittens are crying. I can feel my hair and my clothing turning black. What's the music Emo kids listen to these days?
When my mind is filled with sadness and despair, my body hurts. One of the joys of fibro, but it's also a side-effect of depression. My sleep is affected and pretty much everything sucks, thus completing the feedback loop that says the Universe is a dark and dreadful place.
It's like a prison. I want out.
It seems I am always saying — and asking for — help. This case falls under a request for help doing or learning to do something. I want a coach to help me regain my positive frame of mind, my reality-tinged optimism of former days. A coach who is sensitive to what I've gone through, the validation I need, and who won't go all perky and chipper on me. But I expect that, as usual, I will be left to do this all alone. Again. I honestly think this makes the process go much more slowly, leaving me depressed and and full of darkness for much longer. I can't see how this helps me. But then, it's not the Universe's place to be helpful or play fair. The Universe is just what it is.
But maybe the force and energy that is Life will help me out a little. Something, someone, please give me some help here.
You just came to your own rescue... "I tried very hard to develope positivity in my thoughts and was doing pretty well..."
ReplyDeleteThis PROVES that you CAN feel better, that you CAN do this, and that just like with every other damn thing we need to learn (or re-learn) the doing of it makes it easier to do MORE.
Don't take this as a fail, see it as the first time out in a trial. Next time out it will last longer, be more natural feeling, and imbed stronger. And the time after that, even more so.
I won't ramble on about the Universe, but I WILL say that it HAS brought you some bonus things along the way, that perhaps you weren't expecting.
Julie
I agree with Julie. I also have a couple thoughts...
ReplyDelete1. Is it possible this slip back into darkness is connected to your therapy? You started doing your homework just a couple weeks ago, and have reached the most crucial stories. From what I've researched about trauma therapy, one of its "risks" is that it can be traumatizing in and of itself, to relive the trauma events.
2. You want a coach, but isn't that what Karen can be for you? I'm reading Steven N Gold's book on therapy--he has a specialist clinic in Florida. They found that when allowing the patients to lead the therapy, they sometimes don't even do the "reliving" of events, so much as talking about the impact the traumatic events has had on their lives.
His center often spends more time with the patient making connections between the trauma and thought patterns, disruptions to one's daily life, etc., and how to change those things.
"when distress is reduced and functioning is strengthened by the acquisition of adaptive coping skills, the debilitating effects of trauma are often adequately resolved so as to render direct confrontation of these episodes unnecessary" <--unless, he notes, the client WANTS to confront them, without urging by the practitioner, and is ready to do it.
So I guess I'm just saying... isn't Karen qualified to be your coach? If that's what you need from her, to survive, wouldn't she be willing?
Anyway. I'm no expert. And Gold is just ONE expert. But I thought you might be interested in an alternate viewpoint on how trauma therapy can be conducted. Options! Maybe you've got a coach! ?? :-) :-( !!
Take cares.
@Julie: what bonus things?
ReplyDelete@ Mabel: veddy interesting. I would love more information about this.
I came across this guy when researching trauma therapy awhile back. I ordered his book, though it's meant for therapists. I've only read bits and pieces of it so far. I can find some of the stuff I first read online and email it to you. Specifically when talking about people abused by their parents (which is not your case) he says if you were abused by your folks, then they won't have taught you good life skills either. So people with trauma (who are almost always suffering depression too) usually heal better when treated in terms of their life skills first. Just being able to handle sh*t. Because launching right into reliving traumatic events, can instead just be overwhelming (and traumatic!)
ReplyDeleteBut when I was reading it, it still reminded me of the things you've written about on this blog. Though your parents weren't to blame for your traumatic events, maybe since they started at an early age they still formed (deformed?) how you look at yourself, and the world etc. (As opposed to someone who has suffered from ONE traumatic event at the age of 30, let's say.)
Anyway. I have to be careful not to psychoanalyze. I'll find something and email it to you. Let you draw your own conclusions. ;-)