Ya know, sometimes it's just not possible to be positive. And sometimes I want to be negative, or at least not-positive. This has been an ungodly shitty year, the latest in a life punctuated by unexpected and tragic losses and other traumas. (I am the poster child for fibromyalgia, which is thought to develop as a result of one major physical or emotional trauma, or repeated ones. I'm in on all counts.) Sometimes I need to acknowledge the shit.
I need to acknowledge that my life sucks right now and that the non-sucky part is still somewhere past the horizon and that it's quite possible that my life is going to suck even more in the very near future unless a series of miracles occur.
To me, being positive in the face of these things or, even worse, about these things is like saying they don't matter or they aren't real. It's unrealistic and irrational. Bad stuff must be acknowledged. Pain and fear and the very real possibly of going stone broke — even having spent my jars of coins on food — is right before my eyes. I can see it. That's not being pessimistic, that's being rational.
Acknowledging the bad doesn't give it extra power. I think that ignoring it gives it power; the power to overwhelm you because you were so busy positively ignoring it that all the realistic things you might have done you didn't.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to be all bright and hopeful and positive, I'm really on the edge of tears.
This has been my life. This is my life. If things entirely out of your control repeat in your life, is that a lesson? If so, mine appears to be that life is about pain and helplessness that slowly whittle you down to nothing over time.
I guess the main thing I'm trying to say is this: sometimes being positive and pushing the bad stuff aside invalidates the very reality of the bad stuff and the pain that has been happening and that is happening right now. And just because something good happens or I have a good day does not negate everything else that continues to be Not Good in my life. I've been doing all that I am able to do, from when all I could do is crawl out of bed in the morning and back into it in the evening until now when I can wash my breakfast dishes as well. I have not been capable of looking for a job in an organized or energetic or even useful manner if at all, so no money is coming in. All the affirmations and visualizations in the world have not brought me money through other means (bequests, lottery tickets, philanthropy, whatever). Reality says that if I don't become stone broke in the next 6 weeks, then I'm going to miss it by only a hair and that missing it might as well be luck.
So, this being positive thing. Don't take it to extremes. Doing so feels disrespectful and invalidating. I rather need some validation now and then throughout this terribly shitty time. I need some now. Just because I can manage a smile doesn't mean I'm not in hell.
Validation is very important, as is acknowledging all of our feelings, emotions, and life passages. It is worthwhile, and necessary, to honor the down as well as the up. The only part of this that I disagree with is the aspect of ignoring something and that somehow gives it power. But ya know, our lessons and messages are all as individual as we are, as are the ways in which we honor or ignore crap that comes along.
ReplyDeleteA life of painful lessons, things that seem to be out of our control does feel extreme, but for some reason, this still appears to be what some of us have to learn. (No, I haven't a clue as to why.) I don't think the lesson is about slowly whittling you down though. I believe it is more about making us stronger.
Julie
The only reason for me to be any stronger about loss and aloneness and pain is for a) to deal with me getting cancer, or b) to deal with losing everyone I know and being actually and absolutely alone. Either of those things really would take me to I cannot handle things land.
ReplyDeleteIF this whole "we decide what our life will be before we begin it" stuff is true, then apparently my Spirit is insane and needs severe Medication and Therapy up there in the not-life area.
I've actually been kind of thinking the same thing, but didn't want to say so--you ask for positive, I give positive! :-)
ReplyDeleteI do believe in acknowledging our growth and positive things in our lives, and not being overly negative. There's an interesting science experiment that found that optimists are a bit unrealistic and that gives them the hope to keep trying longer than pessimists do.
BUT...
I think it was the life coach Debbie Ford, when she was on Oprah years ago, who said that when we ignore things we need to take care of they sap our energy--and I thought, So true! Like when I'm overdue to make an appointment with a doctor, the longer I wait, the more it weighs on me and starts sucking my energy. So the things we don't look at do gain some power, in that sense; in that they don't go away. We KNOW they're still there, waiting for us to take care of them. That's my experience, in any case.
I've always felt better when I confront the damned things. When I gather information about what scares or worries me, or when I finally take care of the thing I've been putting off. In the end, I prefer to look the beast in the eye and know the worst. BUT I've never had to look in the eye a beast as big as the one you're looking at. (Eg talking to the bankruptcy guy, or the unpaid bills, etc.)
My next instinct is to start giving suggestions, cause I'm a guy in that way. So I'll stop writing now.
It's a terribly shitty time. :-(