Lately I have felt like someone turned my volume down. My voice (already soft), my interest in beginning or maintaining conversations and my attention to anything — it is all muted. Nothing feels urgent or important. I use fewer words when I do have to communicate. My best friend called me on it, but what could I say? Not much. No interest in analyzing it — I'm tired of self-analysis, of analyzing anything. I'm tired of myself and my life, and I don't know what to do. Right now, I don't feel like doing anything.
Other than my soft voice, I usually tend to live unmuted. I'm in bright, living color. When I am well and fully myself, I am vivid and saturated and vibrant. And I feel odd just writing this, because I don't feel any of those things. Even my usually strong feelings seem to be set on "low."
Intellectually, I see a need to unmute, to be all those other things again. Maybe to analyze, maybe not. But right now it doesn't seem important.
Well, this post isn't keeping even my attention. But it seemed worthwhile to post something; I didn't post anything yesterday and I would rather stay closer to every day than further away; I don't want to make extra work for myself.
This could also be looked at as a "resting" phase, not unlike a "going full speed ahead and thinking about every damn thing" phase, just the other side of it. Often our bodies slow down, just to take a breather, and I would think that a voice, or a psche, might need to do the same thing.
ReplyDeleteJulie