Even with the new ideas I'm having here, the great work, and the epiphanies, I still ignore my life. I am still not living, I'm only taking up space and air.
Most people in my position would be finding some work, any work to help pay bills. Most people would have made the calls to find financial help.
I just watch streaming video and read blogs.
I have lived vibrantly in the past, even in my adulthood. I've even lived vibrantly in the last few years. But I've done so less and less and that disturbs me. I don't want to spend how many years I have left just taking up space, simply existing. I want to enjoy living.
Sure, right now the zest is still pretty much gone, with Mom gone and my having a distinct lack of social life. I love my online friends, but I need face time. I need to be able to hug someone, or even just touch their arm or their hand. Not being able to touch is kind of like being in prison.
I've had some times with The Man that were beautiful, truly beautiful. I've spent some time with one of my girlfriends here, just talking and talking, that was very fine. When I still lived at the beach, and was walking regularly on the beach, and was not wallowing in self-pity because I didn't have any friends at the beach or a lover, life was beautiful and joyous. (And my body was in good shape, too!)
I want ... I need ... what I don't have, and that stunts me. I feel that living is unpleasant and a chore. I'm sure as hell not having fun and haven't had much in a long time. I know — just do it and all that other stuff. It's ungodly difficult when I don't see any payoff for me in terms of what I want, what I need. I'm not such a great person that I can live to serve others. In many ways, I've been there and done that, from family to manager to lover. I keep thinking the pendulum is going to swing back my way, but family is gone, I'm desperate for an income so I don't have a lot of choice about a managerial relationship, and I don't see The Man choosing me (yet, in some ways, I honestly see us together) nor do I see me choosing another.
So far I've gotten little zings here and there, from mental breakthroughs and good therapy, but it's all popcorn stuff — it doesn't satisfy except for a few moments.
Voices talk to me in my mind — not those kind of voices! — telling me all that stuff about just do it, be satisfied with what you've got, ya gotta give before you can get, you'll only get love/friends/whatever once you stop wanting it (and what kind of psycho came up with that one?), etc.
In the Buddhism book I like to read, the author refers to a couple of her friends who died young of cancer. One of them wrote a letter to all his friends about how he would have wanted more, but he had never wanted other. You know the sayings about living without regrets? My life is filled with regrets and ways I wish my life had been "other." This is nothing like the life I wanted to live, and I never imagined I would be on the far side of middle age and completely alone as regards family and geographically close friends. This is nothing like the life I always imagined, not just in little ways but in huge, powerful, reasons for living ways.
So it's not really hard to figure out why I don't look forward to tomorrow and why my depression recurs and why this time it is so damned hard to shake. I can't even call my mom to talk to her about my sadness and get her sympathy and pep-talk the way I have a thousand million times before.
I have no one I with whom I can exchange "I love you." "I love you, too." I miss it.
You know how I hate the word "goal" but stay with me on this one. Set yourself some small goals, like the ones you already have with the walks and homework and dishes and stuff. But make these about face to face interactions. Remember when Stormy went to the mall in December, and talked to a kiosk worker, with me in mind? It was very helpful for her, and probably entertaining for that employee as well.
ReplyDeleteSet up just one or two easy things for your Tomorrow To Do list, so you have things to look forward to. And then, ya know, do 'em.
Julie
Julie has a good idea. I'm wondering if there are any free groups to join too. Maybe a group for people who are grieving? Just somewhere where the conversation will be deeper than a book club, and where the huggers end up. I know when I used to go to church, or the small group meetings from church, there was a LOT of compassion and hugging and touching and connecting going on. I always felt like that's what church is for--but there are secular versions of that too. And if you can't find them, then eff it, just find the most liberal church in town, lol. There's usually a hugger in there somewhere. !!
ReplyDelete(Maybe Karen would know?)
Instead of listening to these voices that are telling you you shouldn't "want", I think you should listen to your heart that's telling you, you NEED physical touch, you NEED to be held. It's normal, Changeling. It's a need, a real need.
So listen to Julie! Go find a friendly face at the mall! Stat! I used to have long chats with lonely people, at my job, all the time. But find a long-term, free solution. Maybe you're trying to tell yourself exactly what you need right now, and it's warmth and a physical feeling of being cared about; rather than detachment from desire.
I really need to follow the advice of our beloved Betty Clawed: go work with a shelter. If I'm surrounded by kitties that I get to pet and hold, that will help.
ReplyDeleteI can get face time if I go to the leasing office for the complex.
Hugging? Mabel, I'd probably burst into flames if I entered a church! Well, not really, but I would not be comfortable in a church with people who actually believe in their church stuff. The hugs would seem completely wrong. So, I'll keep looking. Thanks.
lol yes yes of course, not a church!! I really meant a secular equivalent... where do the atheists go to get the kinds of things that religiosees often get fulfilled within a church community.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I was thinking of a grief group. Something that's free, but requires less work than a book club. That's what I meant about asking your psychologist about--maybe she knows where such resources are to be found. (Besides the no kill shelter.)