Random Day

It just occurred to me that I don't always have to write on a specific topic (which has caused me to not write on occasion). Other bloggers have random thoughts posts, so what the hell, so can I!

I didn't do my homework, yet again. My therapist will wonder about my level of commitment, as do I. I desperately want to get better, but I wonder if the level of pain I have felt on a few of these homework days has put me off.  So the week passes and I keep thinking later, if I think at all. I have enlisted one friend to pester me to death if necessary. Other readers who know me, feel free to pester.

I've become very good at not thinking. This is why it's July and I haven't done the stuff I should have done in January and why I'm still jobless. Well, I think that the level of my messed-up-ness and sheer pain, anxiety, and depression are what really are to blame for my joblessness. I must change that now that I'm feeling better.

I'm still feeling guilt that I am here and my mother is not. I know that I took very good care of her, the best I could, but I still feel guilty. For example, I kept forgetting to visualize her cancer cells being killed off by the radiation, even though I told her I would and I taught her how (and she did). Rationally, I know it wouldn't have helped. Irrationally, I feel that I didn't do my part and maybe it would have helped. And that life must be wrong for me to be here and her to be gone.

Home is still a mess: I've made little progress. I did organize my socks and underwear, rather than just have them tossed around in the closet. If I could just handle the pile of clothing in between the socks and underwear, my closet will be almost perfect. Of course, I have something like two dozen socks. But they are all so pretty!

I didn't walk this weekend. I didn't clean. I didn't have salad tonight like I told a friend I would do, but I did cut up and eat some yellow and orange bell peppers. Plus I had blueberries in my cereal and yogurt for breakfast, and a couple of strawberries for a snack. Go me!

My therapist and I talked about my feeling that I am a tiny sports car facing humongous speed bumps. She suggested I consider myself a big SUV looking down on speed bumps that, from here, are pretty small. I need to remember that. I'm a big SUV and the speed bumps are actually quite small. I wonder what kind of SUV? And what color should I be? These are very important details in a good visualization.

My computer needs an overhaul, but there are things I'm not sure are possible. So I have to do some research before I can simply reformat. Computer problems are almost as bad as car problems.

I got a great haircut. Now I need to find the right hair dye. I think I need a bigger pharmacy that what I usually go to. I want really saturated color.

Okay, this isn't that interesting, so I'll stop here. I wish I were as funny as my favorite writer; her random days are hilarious. But then, her blog isn't a therapy, open a vein kind of blog. Maybe I should try this on my regular blog. It might be easier.

Hope you aren't bothered by incessant fireworks tonight!