I sat in therapy and cried today. At the end of the session, I pointed out to my therapist that she was now in a very exclusive club. I have rarely gotten even teary in other therapy sessions and with other therapists. Today I was in tears for most of the session.
She suggested that I not worry about accomplishing anything right now. I am so depressed that I feel proud of myself when I take a shower and put on actual clothes.
I know that for people who have never experienced this kind of depression, it is very difficult to understand. I was trying to explain it to a friend today. He's one of those people who turn adversity into motivation. He wins. He succeeds. He is trying very hard to understand what I am going through.
The main thing that I can articulate is that my cognitive functions are almost completely cut off from everything else. I'll think "I could pick up a little around here" and ... nothing happens. I don't move. I simply move on. "I don't really need any more ice cream," I think to myself as I open the freezer, dish ice cream out, and sit down to eat.
So my therapist isn't expecting any homework from me right now. I'm really not capable. But I see my new psychiatrist tomorrow and both my therapist and I hope that she can help me get my brain chemicals squared away. Because I am not functioning.
Besides, my money isn't going to last that long.
I can see that crying in front of Karen was difficult. Very difficult. But do you see that it could be cleansing? And a helpful key to moving forward?
ReplyDeleteThis is such a huge step, homework or no, you are making some major progress.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Julie
I think that crying in front of Karen was essential to my therapy. I also explained to her that after crying I would likely shut down emotionally for awhile. I believe it is due to my dislike of being so vulnerable at all.
ReplyDeleteI know that vulnerability is required for connection and emotional intimacy. I know that vulnerability is strength.
Except for me. :)
I have a lot of people in my life who have always struggled with depression, so I understand it about as well as a second-hand-party can. And I've had enough of my own moments as well to be empathetic. Having no energy to clean and get stuff done, or to do homework etc. is so totally normal. And just keeping up this blog seems very homeworky to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've found a good therapist. My husband finally stepped out to try therapy for the first time in his life, a HUGE step for him, and the guy turned out to be the biggest fool I've ever met (as I discovered when I joined them for a session. We let the guy go the next day.) So the universe has led you to something good on this one--she sounds great. When we start shopping around again, I hope we find someone this good.
London Mabel, i asked my doctor for a recommendation and several of her patients had recommended Karen. I'm so lucky that we connected. Good luck to your husband next time around.
ReplyDelete