I feel as if my spirit is in hiding. The true me, the authentic me, went underground years ago and I'm excavating, trying to find her, hoping she's neither dead nor fossilized.
I've experienced a lot of shitty, horrible things in my life, but for most of it I remained bright, positive, cheery, sunny. I had energy and I didn't have impulse control, especially toward eating. I was healthy and active and at a comfortable weight. I rode my bike or walked because I wanted to, because I enjoyed it.
Sometimes, I walked or drove or rode as far as I could because I was trying to escape the pain that chased after me, the pain from those shitty, horrible things. I kept going because I knew that happy existed and that, if I could figure out how, if I could escape the pain, I could be happy again.
The geologic layers that cover my true self have grown thicker over the years, and my back is sore and old from shoveling. I still have hope about finding my self, but I admit the hope is dimmer and more desperate.
I am very tired.
Digging out is a good way of looking at this. And because you spent so long in the "piling on" process it will take time for the uncovering too. But remember, every layer has value, every layer provides insight, every layer has something new to offer.
ReplyDeleteYou are seeing so much more than you did before. Recognizing this has already revealed a way to bring that joy back. And live with joy in a new way.
Julie
I have to keep remind myself to be easy on myself. It's so easy to be harsh.
ReplyDeleteOne therapist told me to honor all my defense mechanisms, because even if I no longer need them, they served me in the past. She suggested that I thank each one, then explain that I am stronger now and no longer need its services. This is part of the gratitude work.