You're the intrepid explorer, reporting back saying: "Yep, guys. There really truly is jack ---- up here. And now I'm lonely as hell. Why did I get sent on this mission??" And we're all. "Thanks Chameleon! You are SO brave! You have confirmed this theory that we have long suspected! We must depend on ourselves." And then only one person remembers to send you an e-card for Explorer's Day, because we're very selfish. And you're all: "Being an Intrepid Explored SUCKS."Not only does it suck, but I am hanging on by my fingertips. Only two other times have my mental health issues been this bad: in my 30s, when I ended up taking health leave for mental health reasons TWICE in the same year, and in my 20s, after my little brother killed himself; that time I felt quite suicidal myself. At least this one has the upside of my not feeling suicidal at all. Unfortunately, while I would not step out in front of a speeding truck, I might not move too quickly to get out of the way if one came speeding toward me.
Not a worry though: I can barely make a move out of the apartment even to take care of myself. I have very few food items in the house. My mail keeps stacking up and the mail carrier then keeps it at the post office so I have to come get it or lose it. (Well, my little bitty mailbox gets overly full.) My legs are going to atrophy off. Okay. I can't detail any more of the very real issues, in a funny manner or not. My anxiety just popped the top of my head off.
New med: Haldol. Among the things it can do is make you sleepy (I took a 4-hour nap today) and photosensitive (I am a fair-skinned person living in the South). Yippee.
Have you talked to your therapist about not leaving the house and food in the house and other necessities? What does she advise? Could it be time for occupational therapy, to help handle the day-to-day stuff? I'm not sure how all that works, but I hope that your doctor is aware of how you are doing right now.
ReplyDeleteSending FGBVs your way...
I always check your replies to my comments, before I read your new post. And your reply to yesterday -- "Being an intrepid explorer can mean skirting starvation and living too close to the edge. Many IE's die during their explorations. So, pleaase, SEND HELP! " -- brought tears to my eyes. I'm so worried about you!! But I don't know what kind of help to send. Maybe I'll start with sending an email. :-(
ReplyDelete(One of my headache drugs is being increased in dose, so I now take one pill in the day. An hour later I want to drop on the floor and sleep in a pile of drool. UGH. The rest I take at bedtime, but I don't know how I'd get out of bed in the morning if I didn't have a bladder.)
I'm sorry for worrying folks, Yes, it is really sucky. I won't hurt myself. I will get out of the way of trucks. This is sometimes that line that open and raw draws between simply honest and a scream for help.
ReplyDeleteThis is mostly a whimper and a whine for help.
@BFB: I will talk to my doc Monday. I had mentioned it but it hadn't seemed or felt so out of control. I was going to go grocery shopping that afternoon, but by the time I finished with my other errands there was no way. I realized today that it was really in a bad way. And there's no one here I could call on to buy my groceries or pick up my mail. So I guess I'd better put on my effing stupid muddy heavy leather explorer boots again.
I hate it. But then, I've probably posted on how I feel about being alone. I'm not the only to be alone, or to hate being a long, but I will whine about it.
Again, sorry for worrying you. I wouldn't say I'm fine, not at all. But I'm ok. Thanks.
And I'm tired, down to the marrow of my bones and the darkness of my soul. The heavy lifting is a bit beyond me right now.
ReplyDeleteAh don't apologize for worrying us!! :-O lol lol If I couldn't handle it, well, I wouldn't come and read your blog. I mean... I worry about you ANYWAY. I don't want you to pull your punches because you're worried about us worrying! This is YOUR place to be as "whiny" (if you insist on calling it that) as you want to be. You have the right to your pain, and to express it. And I will say yet again that I only feel honored to be allowed to share that.
ReplyDeleteBetter a "whine" for help than radio silence. Fernando (husband) used to work for on a psych ward, and he said when someone REALLY want to commit suicide, if they've made up their mind, there's no cry for help. They just do it. He's been on suicide watch and it's Serious Business. Someone who is blogging about her feelings and letting people know her blog exists... that's a woman who's fighting for her life.
I found a sock this evening, but it doesn't match any of the others.
ReplyDeleteI agree, this is not whining and we do worry. But you DO need to get this shit out there, so blog freely, then we can send for help, or ya know, be the help you sent for. Even if we just show up with a sock.
Also, uh, won't some of us be SEEING you soon?!
BFB, I like that occupational therapy idea, don't know anything about it either. Worth a shot though.
Julie
Hey Sunshine...It's Betty Angel again...
ReplyDeleteblogspot is not being nice to my comments so I will cross my fingers and try again.
As someone who is where you are right now I can say that the only thing not mentioned here as a possible helpful tip is permission.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I have to give myself permission to just be for a day in order to get to the next. If getting out of bed (or for me out of the house because my bed is uncomfortable so I usually end up at my desk) is a tremendous feat then I give myself pwermission to just do that. It becomes, (retroactively), my only responsiblility for the day. When I do the tightness of guilt and shame at not being able to handle 'nornmal' activities, eases. I find I not only immediately feel better but I have more energy and occasionally can do more now that the feeling of being overwhelmed is a weight I've set down for the day. Just a trick I use sometimes to get past myself.
As for the groceries and neccessities there are active ways to get what you need even when you can't leave the house. Online grocery shopping is but one. What I do is whenever I do go out for soemthing I makes sure to stop for 'eventualities' on the way home, which include foddstuffs for those days when I just can't go out (canned goods etc.). I also second (or third) the idea of occupational therapy but definitely with your current therapist as these services are usually geared to people who are at a different more social place in their therapy (ie just need jobs and can't go back to their old proffessions).
Well enough assvice. Sending you hugs and shout-outs from the trenches... :-)
Thank you everyone.I will talk to my therapist on Monday about occupational stuff, help with picking up, doing dishes, that sort of thing. And getting some energy by doing exercise and/or walking. I used to walk most days. I used to do floor exercises and some yoga too. I need help, having someone help me, walk me thru it, stand there and cheerlead. Pathetic, huh? Being my age and needing a parental unit to help me at basic things again? Sigh. Oh well.
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