Changing my mind

Warning: This is an exceptionally long post, even tho' I cut and cut and cut. Sorry. You can skip this one if you like.

I've had many world views over my life, and many religious and philosophical beliefs.  When I was in elementary school, and my little brother was in kindergarten, we went to a Mormon afterschool program. it's like Sunday school, but during the week. I learned about God and baptism and heaven and hell. The whole God thing didn't make sense to me. I couldn't accept that He would discard people who hadn't ever heard some version of HIS message or that He would punish babies who hadn't been baptized. So at 11 or 12, sitting in the kitchen with my mom and my little brother, I announced I was an agnostic. 

You would think I'd announced I was an axe murderer and could I start with my little brother. Mom told me if I ever said that again, she'd tell my father. I wondered inside if she thought he'd beat me into believing in God. (For the record, my father spanked us very seldom.)

I had the fairly typical "jesus freak" stage at 15-16. I went to church with my best friend and her family. I went to Youth Group. i went to Bible studies. I wanted more than anything to fit in, and those groups claimed to love everyone. My parents weren't any more thrilled by my evangelistic Christianity than with my agnosticism. Once away from that environment, my belief faded and was entirely gone by the time I entered college.

From the very first I was a child of nature and I felt connected especially to trees, but felt — knew — that everything had life to it and mattered. When the boys tortured insects it tore me up.  Nor could I abide hurting a tree. I was a natural for nature-based belief systems. When in college I learned about modern pagan beliefs, I was very attracted and began reading about it. paganism seemed to suit me perfectly and I made that my belief system. It was the belief I held for the longest: a decade, more or less. Eventually, it was the deist aspect of paganism that did me in. I finally realized that I am not deist. I cannot believe in some person-like creature in the aether that cares about me one way or another. Then, from my early 30s onward, I was so busy analyzing myself in therapy, searching for the answers I needed to unlock myself, the mysteries of the Universe didn't matter at all.

I eventually came back to poking and prodding my belief system and my world view again; it's something I have never been able to stay away from. I want to know what I believe. I want some kind of structure to my world, Around that time, in my late 30s, several things occurred: I read was an article about a pilot who had been a prisoner in Vietnam during that war and he claimed that Stoicism saved his life and his sanity; I found a web site describing Scientific Pantheism; and I was introduced to a book on Zen Buddhism.

The pilot had discovered Classical Stoic philosophy: wherever he went he carried a copy of the Enchiridion by Epictetus,. He also mentioned Marcus Aurelius as a Stoic philosopher; I had a copy of Aurelius's Meditations from a Philosophy class in college. I dug it out and started skimming thru it. Every night I read passages. i wrote notes in the margins. Reading Meditations soothed me and educated me.

The web site I found described a concept new to me: Scientific Pantheism. I'd heard the term Pantheism and knew vaguely what it meant, that there was no actual Deity. Spirit and the sacred are contained within us and within every aspect of creation. This web site defined it a bit further: the Universe is the Creator. There is life force in everything, Life is holy. We are sacred because we, too, are part of the Universe.  

The third thing was a book called It's Easier Than You Think: The Buddhist Guide to Happiness, by Sylvia Boorstein. It's a small book, but it simply and directly lays out the aspects and beliefs of Zen Buddhism, and how to follow them, and what they mean if you are not a monk sitting away from the world. 

For me the triad was complete. All three beliefs complemented each other and, in some ways, were one. When I read them, contemplated them, and practiced what they recommended, I felt calmer and more peaceful than I ever had in my life.

But I became busy. Things happened. I stopped reading at night. The Universe once again assumed its hostile aspect. 

The funny thing right now? i know a self-described witch who I exchange email frequently and at length. I also read her blog. All of her beliefs are around her and everything she writes. Somehow, they are seeping into me. I still don't believe I, or anyone, can do magic,. But her tarot reading was pretty accurate so far. It touches something in me. She is reaching me by the simple fact that she believes in what works and see everything as being part of the same thing, whether it's magic or angels or the life force in trees. 

Will I ever find a single way to believe and view Life, the Universe, and Everything? I have no idea. The basics will always remain — everything contains Life: trees, rocks, the air; and everything is connected to everything else — but maybe the ways this is all connected, or how I live, or just the little details will change. I'll keep reading my books at night and thinking.

I think my religion is curiosity and thought, love and compassion.  Angels, magick, fairies, positive thinking, visualization: Everything else is gravy. Or frosting. Or bacon.