I'm a thinker. I've always considered myself an intellectual, but I also have considered myself very emotional: a "feeler" as is described in the Myers-Briggs Personality Types. But a previous therapist told me that few people actually think about their feelings, like "what am I feeling?" "why am I feeling this?" "what does this feeling mean or related to?" and that sort of thing.
I was stunned. I thought that everyone approached life that way, or almost everyone. I feel. I think. I look at each of those things from the other perspective to understand myself. Apparently not everyone does this. It somewhat explained some of the areas where my mother and I lacked rapport. I think my brother was probably more like me in this than like our parents.
So I think all the time, even when I shouldn't. I think when I'm trying to sleep. I think when I'm on the toilet or in the shower. I even think during sex when I shouldn't be thinking (or rather, back when I used to have sex), making orgasm a very difficult feat for me, one worth cheering for when it did happen. I do it even with myself! (So I understand how frustrating it can be for a lover ....)
My mind doesn't turn off. And if there are no deep thoughts currently needing attention — or my medications are turning me into a zombie — then my mind plays with superficial or tiny thoughts, the way a kitten plays with a piece of fluff. Back and forth, back and forth. I've also just recently learned that this back and forthing, as much as my mind does it at any rate, is part of obsessive thinking. That explains a lot, too. Like how some thoughts won't leave, much like Daffy Duck getting stuck in taffy, repeating the same movements back and forth over and over again until I would like to scream. But I don't because my mother taught me not to make scenes.
If only my mind would get stuck on positive thoughts, that would be acceptable. But, of course, my brain gets stuck on the negative things, or disturbing thoughts or images (Never, ever, EVER watch even a tiny film clip about the Human Centipede movie. Don't even look at the poster. Just. Don't.) In addition, I have a vivid, creative imagination and a vivid, detailed memory. Do all obsessive thinkers have the same kind of imagination and memory? Are all people with such memory and imagination obsessive thinkers? Am I the only person I know whose mind does this to them?
For the most part, I love my mind. I love the detailed memory and imagination, I love the vividness and the full-sensory details they provide me. Some of my dreams are unbelievable! But the obsessiveness has got to be controlled. The latest drug that was supposed to handle that is probably the one making me a zombie. Maybe we can handle it with therapy; I'd love to cut down on the medication, for certain.
Do you have a love-hate relationship with your mind?
The thing that jumped out at me in this post was "...I don't because my mother taught me not to make scenes." What she was really teaching was how NOT to voice your true self, for FEAR that someone MIGHT be offended. I'd say this is what you need to look at as well. And therapy is the perfect place for that.
ReplyDeleteJulie
Why are you so perspicacious? You pull nuggets out of these long monologues, nuggets I don't even see. I'll bring his up next week ....
ReplyDeleteI somehow missed this post last time I was here. I think my mind works very similarly to yours, maybe a little less intensely. I don't think I quite get to the screamy stage, or else I know how to distract myself if I start to get obsessy.
ReplyDeleteAnd hello I have read a description of that movie!! But I knew enough not to seek out a scene from it, OMG. I could not have such images in my head. Someone made a SECOND one and the UK censor board is recommending an out right ban of it (and they're pretty liberal).
My brain doesn't shut off. I have certain story-rituals to put myself to sleep. In fact, with the second med I'm on, it makes me so sleepy, it's the first time in my life I've fallen asleep so fast that I haven't needed my stories. It's a little weird.
But I don't fixate on the negative.