Meltdown

Well, I melted down most of last week. Lost all power of perspective, all positivity, all courage. I let fear and the scarcity-mindset take me over and make me their bitch.

That's over. This week I have regained perspective. I am putting great effort into the power of positivity and gratitude. I'm remembering how courageous I am and have been in my life. I'm remembering hope. I'm kicking fear and scarcity in their skinny little butts.

I used to have routines; I had habits. I had regular behaviors. I cooked and ate decent meals, and cleaned my home and kept it organized. I walked. I went to bed and got up at reasonable hours and I read some useful and inspirational books at bedtime so I could take their wisdom into sleep with me.

I do none of that right now. But I'm on the verge of relearning it all and one of the things helping me with this is the zenhabits web site and the free e-book Focus by the site's author, Leo Babauta. One of my favorite things about this book is that he says to not set goals, that goals can be more destructive and constructive. Yes! I heretofore discard goals.

My  goal  ... I mean, my intention is to get back to my pre-Mom's-cancer state of being meltdown-free. I worked hard for a couple of years — from when I first realized what was going on in my mind when I had these hamsters-whirling-around-in-my-head phases that made me feel I was going crazy — to get to where I knew my cycles and my triggers and how to perceive if and when I was developing a meltdown so I could head it off. I got very good at that. Then one of those little detours of life threw me out of that calmness and awareness (at a time I could have used it) and now I get to learn it and practice it all again. Well, I guess it's supposed to be character-building.

I swear that once I put myself back together again, I'll have a character that not even a nuclear bomb could shatter.