Depression devastates. It devours. It consumes your life and, if it goes on long enough or is bad enough, it can consume even your life skills.
I've been battling depression and anxiety directly for about 27 years; I've suffered from anxiety since I was a child. For a long time, I managed to hold on to the usual life skills of cleaning, cooking, staying organized, but during my worst periods have seen those skills erode. Since my mom's death, the anxiety and depression have taken me all the way down to the ground.
I don't pick up. I don't clean. I don't fix meals ... I just buy stuff and it goes bad. I don't pay my bills on time. I don't look for work. It's not laziness. I don't do any of these things because I am overwhelmed by it. I sit on the couch and when I think about doing any of those tasks, my anxiety flares up and I'm even more stuck to the couch than before. The depression weighs me down and makes me feel vague and weak. Days pass by in a haze and I am constantly surprised by the end of the day.
I'm at ground zero and around me lay the ruins of my life. Not only do I not do basic life tasks and routines, I don't do the things I love other, such as write and go for walks.
The depression and anxiety have shown signs of clearing. I finally want to live again, which is rather new since Mom's death. But I have a lot of work to do before I am doing anything other than surviving.
I plan to continue to use this blog to talk about my therapy, but I am also going to use it as a journal of learning to live all over again. None of my therapists have offered me any way to do this; all we do is talk about ideas. Obviously that hasn't worked. I'll be making this up as I go along, cobbling together solutions and motivations and simple "how do I drag myself along" functions from other people's suggestions, from things I read, and from whatever I can dredge up a brain that's had most of its creativity smothered in muck for a very long time.
The things I intend to concentrate on first are
- Basic routines & habits: moving the morning routine along faster and to somewhere other than the couch; putting the dishes away when they are clean; putting out the garbage in a timely manner; going to bed at a reasonable time and with a dependable routine.
- Cleaning: first, clearing out the detritus that currently covers every surface, sorting, that overall declutter that needs to take place before I can even develop routines. I think I'll have a cleaning person come in and do a deep, thorough clean after I get all the clutter handled. Then develop habits and routines.
- Money & paperwork: get my check register up to date; get my bills scheduled on my calendar so I can pay them on time; get that bankruptcy info; stay on top of my check register by actually entering all my debit card purchases (what a thought!). Truly concentrate on decreasing expenses. Do my 2010 taxes. Clean up existing files and start new ones, such as my 2011 tax files, now that we are halfway through the year. Develop a routine for handling paper that comes into the apartment.
- Physical activity: daily activity such as walking or doing exercises; refraining from sitting so much.
- Meals: fix actual meals for myself. I don't need four-course feasts and I am fine with having the same food frequently, but I do need more stability than cereal with berries for breakfast. Start small with easy stuff.
- Stuff I love to do: make time to write and do other things I enjoy on a regular basis. Another habit/routine maneuver — makes habits of these things so I remember to do them.
- Look for work: look into the things I need to do to find or make work; look at job boards, redo my resume and portfolio and all the rest of that; and do it all regularly.
Well. That's a lot of stuff to start with. But each of those sets is very important. Maybe I'll cut it down, start a couple of essential things every 2 - 3 weeks. Even figuring out how to start is something I need to relearn.
So check back. This could be very interesting ... or it could be unimaginably tedious. Just as long as it eventually succeeds.
"None of my therapists have offered me any way to do this..." THAT is the most important thing you have written here. No, they have not. So, it's obviously up to you. You have more skills and more perspective than ever before, so NOW is the time to begin. The numbered list is awesomeness. Excellent start!
ReplyDeleteJulie
When I was looking into different types of therapy I came across a guy who wrote a book called Not Trauma Alone. He believes that when people have experienced trauma in childhood, it often went hand in hand with a childhood that was deficient in other ways, meaning they weren't taught other things, like social skills, life skills etc.
ReplyDeleteAnd sadly, the person who's experienced the trauma goes through life thinking they're stupid, bad at making friends, or holding down a job, etc. when really, they're tripping up because someone (usually their parents) tied their shoelaces together when they were still children.
So he thinks that when they go for trauma therapy, it can be overwhelming, because they're still missing a lot of life skills. So he's pioneered a type of trauma therapy where they start with group therapy oriented towards life skills first, and then you start the trauma therapy.
Reminds me of what you're saying about the depression. These illnesses, they don't work in a vacuum!
My therapist doesn't know about this additional therapy and honestly I'm already stretched beyond my max for money. Even if I could do this, I truly need someone to come to my house and walk me through these routines to help me make them habits, that's how far gone I am. Just telling me what to do and checking in is no good. the problem is that I just cannot seem to do them. I know what to do, but just can't.
ReplyDelete