Ice & Stone

Fear generally initiates one of two reactions in a person: fight or flight. However, sometimes the fear is too strong for either — then it paralyzes.

My fear and anxiety levels have been off the charts for so long that I cannot move. I have no fight, and I cannot flee. So I freeze. I've been frozen for so long that I might as well be an ice sculpture at a fancy party.

Even the easy stuff, such as walking to the mailbox, isn't easy. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I don't go. I stay here in my small, more or less controllable environment. Outside is too unpredictable.

At a blog I read today, the topic was Fear, and the message was acknowledge that you are afraid, then go ahead and do whatever it is that you fear anyway. There have been times in my life when I could do that, all by myself, with no help. I have done plenty of scary things. But right now, I feel almost too afraid to cross the street without someone holding my hand. This is a time when having someone to help me would enable me to break through the ice. And this is a time when there is no one to help me, not in person. This is the time for hands-on help. With just me picking at the ice, getting me through the fear, I feel as though it will take me a hundred years. And yes, fear is undoubtedly causing me to feel that way.

I have reminders, like my affirmations, pinned up around the place in hopes that they will help reprogram my thinking. I imagine that I can get through this, all by myself, eventually. (Although, it would help me if I could just call people. But then, reaching out like that scares me silly, too. But actual conversations and poor babies would be nice.) I know it will take longer on my own, even with the therapy (because my therapist cannot be with me 24/7, and I'm going to have to cut back on therapy due to the whole money thing).

I'm so depressed and anxious, I can't look for work, so I'm afraid I'll run out of money, a not unreasonable fear. I'm afraid all my online friends will realize I'm a whiner and a downer and a lazy loser and stop liking me. I'm afraid that I can't find work because I'm so out of date (it's been a long time since I've had a regular job), and that I can't find enough work as a freelancer to make a go of it. Then I'll have to give up health insurance, which means no one will ever want to treat me knowing that I cannot pay them .... It all spirals out of control and ends with "and then I'll die, painfully." Most people when you ask them what's the worst that can happen will give a reasonable action (I'll make a fool of myself, I'll lose my job, whatever). My "worst that can happen" answer is always either that I will die, or that I will end up mutilated, in a hospital, with no way to end the life support. My fear reactions cause me to sink like a stone.

My biggest single fear, other than running out of money and then living out of my car or something, is that I am going to be old and alone, and that I will die old and alone because I have no kids to take care of me at the end the I did for Mom. I suppose, at least, this trumps the "and then I'll die" earlier in my life scenario.

And here I go, off into the other dark areas of my soul, so I'll end it here with this thought: I did go outside, take a small walk, and pick up my mail today. Then I took another quick walk later to the corner market for an ice cream sandwich; I should find a way to harness my love of ice cream to overcome my fear. And I have many new notes and affirmations added to the ones already littering my home. Something is bound to stick, sometime, if only to get me to stop repeating these mini-mantras.

I wish I could end this the way others on that other blog did, about how they have overcome fear and stare it down whenever it raises its head. I can't yet. My fear is Medusa and I am still paralyzed and cold.