Money, money, money

All the things I could do
if I had a little money.
It's a rich man's world

"Money, Money, Money, ABBA, ABBA Gold

I'm unemployed. I ran out of unemployment last year. My rent is around $750 a month and my health insurance is $839 with a $2500 deductible. The "chump change" in the rest of my budget makes my monthly expenses — for a non-working person — almost $3400. I can probably shave a hundred dollars off that, if I am very careful about my groceries and only buy vegies and dairy, and if I drive even less than I do, and I cut off my biggest indulgence: using a garbage pickup service rather than dragging my garbage across the apartment complex to the dumpster. That's $20 a month and feeds into the $750 rent. If I can find and buy an inexpensive and working washer and dryer, I can save another $35 a month. And if I buy my own cable modem, I can save $7. More chump change that might add up. I see my therapist weekly right now, which is necessary, and my medications, mostly covered by insurance, still have a monthly cost of about $100 

I have between $8000 and $10,000 in debt: I have a couple of calls to make to find out the extent of the damage. I haven't paid on any of it and cannot afford to.

Rock, meet hard place. I don't know when my finances will change; much is up in the air on one side and finding a job on the other side is just as hard this time around. I made $500 for one and a half press releases. If I could get more of that, and more of the work I'm going to do for a very small business who has very little money to work with, I might make it with very little foray into my savings.

Retirement isn't even on the table: I have no retirement funds due to — wanna guess? — health costs in the past. Working in high-tech during the 90s took a hell of a toll on one's health.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I'm going to look into filing personal bankruptcy. I don't see any other way. And I want to do it before any real money comes in because the creditors would have first whack at it and I might need to live on it for a few more years.

Bankruptcy brings up a lot of differing feelings between people. For example, one of my best friends already reacted with worry and panicky cautions to rethink it. All he's heard are the horror stories. But I just read a financial article saying it could be the saving of me, if I can afford it. That's why I'm going to talk to the Volunteer Lawyers Program. I'm certainly low-income enough to qualify. I think I'll be lucky if I make $5000 this year. I made $3500 last year. And haven't done my taxes yet. 

The bulk of my debts are healthcare-related. I admit there are some clothes and shoes on the credit card. But I haven't used the card some the fall of 2009. The finance charges are killing me and putting me even further behind. I tried to work something out, a payment plan, cancel the card, but they only work like that with people who have an income. They have no programs for unemployed people. How about that? Is the gap between the haves and the have-nots widening? Damn skippy.

I'm not a bad person. I'm not irresponsible. I've been swimming upstream and the only help I've had was Mom paying for my food and little things for two and a half months and the very generous loan from a friend that is allowing me to get buy for another couple of months. With the bulk of an account that I shared with Mom now in my working account, I can get by for three more months. Three months. No wonder I need anti-anxiety medications and therapy. Any more than that and I am selling everything I own here (except my beloved printer), moving back North into someone's basement or spare room, and looking for work at McDonald's or something.. And I have a seven-month lease that just started this month. Kind of reminiscent of last year, isn't it? I wonder who will get cancer this year. Maybe it's my turn.

Sorry. Have to breath deeply for a moment. It kills me to even think of this. 

I haven't been able to seriously look for work while I've been in the Abyss. I just couldn't. Hell, I could barely get off the couch and buy groceries for myself. Once I accomplish a couple of necessary tasks the rest of this week, I can begin serious work hunting. Freelance would be the best and at half time and my usual rate, I can pay all my bills (but not the debts, unfortunately). That's all I need. 

I don't think it's too much to ask. All I need is for Luck, Life, and the Universe to smile on me and help me out this time.