Alphabet soup

OCD. PTSD. ADD/ADHD. MOUSE. Some days I think my own name ought to be something like THX 1138. (Geeks will get it.)

OCD: Basically, I feel obsessed about certain things, or compelled toward certain actions, or both. For me, it's tidiness and organization. So why is my apartment chaos incarnate? Just look at my mind and my heart: I'm a total mess, paralyzed with pain and anxiety and depression. The worse the untidiness and disorganization, the more it pains me and makes things worse. When I make even one small area clean and tidy, I feel the very muscles in my body relax noticeably. 

I also have an compulsion toward collecting things. That one I've been controlling, until now. I have so many catalogs and magazines I haven't even read yet. Oh, and I collect notebooks and blank journals. When I go through my storage, I will find a large box of them. Mom hated my collection of them, but I stood my ground and would let her make me get rid of the better ones. Collections make me feel stable and rooted and protected.

I think it also is connected to my biting my nails or picking my face when I am anxious. And maybe it's about my problems with certain textures or being unable to tolerate certain dirt on my hands. But that might be a mild sensory problem, as well. I cannot stand for my hands to be sticky — there is a TV ad for a faucet that shows hands in various states of dirty and I cannot watch it. I also cannot stand to touch raw meat and fowl or eggs.

I think my fibromyalgia connects to this issue as well; I feel a need to rub things (right now I'm rubbing my feet back and forth on the carpet) or touch over and over again until oversensitivity develops. I'll scratch my hands or arms (not hard, more of a running of my nails) back and forth, over and over, because it feels good. Until it hurts. Sometimes it will then hurt for a couple of days.

PTSD: This develops from trauma. It can be the trauma of war. It can be the trauma of abuse. It can be from many traumas. Mine could have developed from any of my various large traumas alone; I have had many. Symptoms include hypervigilance, which makes me see things out of the corners of my eyes, hear things, and startle easily. Whee. Also, I am always prepared for the worst-case scenario, so I am never entirely at rest.

ADD/ADHD: I'm mildly this way. I have difficulties focusing. I am easily distracted unless I'm doing something that I love, then I cannot be distracted. I fidget. I have to control myself to keep from interrupting — takes a lot of concentration to do this.

MOUSE: Well, just seemed appropriate.

Basically, I'm easily startled, can't concentrate, have tactile and kinesthetic issues, and go to pieces when my environment isn't tidy and organized, which happens when I go to pieces too much.

Tired of it all. Want to be relaxed. Want a calm, haven of a home. The tactile/kinesthetic thing will never go away, but I can handle it.

I want to get my home put together. Then I want to hire someone to clean it because I haven't actually cleaned since I moved in, over 4 months ago. Disgusting, isn't it?

Laying it all out like this makes me look like a lunatic. This is why this blog isn't associated with my name, although I am sure that anyone who knows me will know who is writing this. It's also why I am not inviting certain people. Because this isn't the worst part of me. Those things will come later. Those things may change your opinion of me forever.

So now the crazy person has a backache and is tired and needs to sleep. Now I've said my ABCs. Tell me what you think of me.