When you spend your days trying to ignore them because they hurt, time just seems to slip away. You think I need to do this. I'll do it later, then suddenly the day is over and it's time for bed. Even if bedtime comes at 2 am.
How did it get to be April? Why is my life still so dark and painful? Because I'm ignoring my life. When I pay attention, I feel the pain. My pain. By not owning it, by ignoring it, I won't get past it. Oh lord, I hate to cry.
I forget things easily. If I don't return a text message immediately, I immediately forget it. Same with emails. In addition, I've let my email on the server pile up so high, the friend who so generously hosts me on his server is going to become cranky quite soon.
I wish I didn't have to handle all of this alone. Although I have friends, they are online. Even though I have some friends who live nearby, they are busy or we forget to finish creating plans. Thus, I am handling my life and all that is rough, unfinished, or painful alone. I don't think I'm handling it too well, either. Handling my life alone points out how alone I am, how solitary my life is. I don't want to be solitary. I want a full, active, joyful life, surrounded by people I love and who love me. This doesn't seem too much to ask, but the Universe seems to disagree.
Finding the positives just seems like too much of a burden right now. It feels like an impossibility.
Part of healing is becoming aware of what it is you need to heal from, and where it is that you want to land. It sounds like you have started this journey, painful as it is. You know what you want out of life and that is a very good thing. You are working with a therapist, and that is a brave step.
ReplyDeleteOn this subject, I cannot say "I've been there" because I have not truly, I have FELT that I was alone, but it turns out, I was not. I just didn't realize how much support and companionship I had around me.
ReplyDeleteMake use of the friends and connections you do have, be aware of never being alone in the Universe (even if you need to pretend for me), and focus on what you CAN and DO get done. Don't let more than a few hours go by without making contact, that will be a good reminder: you are not alone, we are here.
Julie
I came her from Julie's site to vote on your poll. I'm signed in but it won't let me vote. Right now I'm using Firefox cause I'm in an insecure place (work). At home I use IE.
ReplyDelete@bonafidebetty: I've had so much therapy that I'm hoping this therapy will be different. I've always gone through cognitive therapy and this is a different kind. I can tell you from today that it is very painful, which may indicate that it will have a different outcome.
ReplyDelete@Julie: I am so very glad that you have not been where I am. I am glad you've been surrounded by those who love you. I envy you, even though one shouldn't envy. :) For you and you alone, I will at least pretend that I am not alone in the Universe. I like your suggestion to not let more than a few hours go by without making contact. That's a good one. Thank you.
Cognitive therapy is great for some things, but probably not so great for digging out huge sorrows. Better for things that require some immediate action, like a phobia, or yelling at your kids.
ReplyDeleteMy Practical Suggestion du Jour: As for your server, maybe you could ask your friends to use your gmail address, and just use your .com for your work messages. Then you don't ever have to worry about deleting them off the server. I wonder if your friend is even able to move your old messages to gmail? I've never run a server, so that I don't know. (I go by the theory that there must be a way to make technology do everything I want.)
And never feel like you have to reply to my comments. I won't be offended. :-)
No, i need to actually move them off the server myself and store them on my own computer.
ReplyDeleteYes, technology should do everything.