When I started having problems with anxiety and depression, particularly in my early 30s at the Job From Hell, I started calling in sick when I didn't want to do something, mostly because of severe anxiety or depression. I began backing out more and more. It became more routine for me to break a commitment rather than to meet one.
Over the course of a couple of decades, I became a person different from the person I knew I was. Knowing this added to my feelings of depression.
When I determined that I would change my life, I determined that I would change that aspect, too. And I did ... for awhile.
I called in sick a couple of times to a new job last summer, and I'm not sure why. Stress. But I got back to doing better.
Then I was two weeks late for a project quote because I let my mental state command me. And today I backed out of a meeting and let someone else keep notes for me. I have yet to talk to her about it because I slept for four hours this afternoon — another way I have of avoiding what pains or stresses me.
I'm late on every one of my bills and those of the estate's. I owe money to the Steps to cover their tax burden from one of our bequests. I not only didn't get my taxes done, I didn't manage to file for an extension either.
I can barely breathe.
At this rate, it wouldn't be difficult for me to simply take to my bed for a few weeks. Except that I do need to at least pretend I'm looking for work.
Dear god I hope the house sells soon. I don't know if a bit more financial security will make a difference in my personal integrity or not. I'm not sure what will.
I have to quibble about word usage here. I know, it's not the point, but it is MY point. Saying something (or someone) is "good" or "bad" doesn't work for me, it used to, but it no longer does. The whole thing is just too subjective. Meeting obligations is different than having a clean house, true, but I can't sit by and have you say that you "used" to be good, because the implication is that now you are bad. Now, you are suffereing, there is no good or bad, it's just pain, and not-wellness.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, you will get better, which is not to say that you are bad. Shit, this is not going as I had planned. Well, IF I had planned. You know what I mean. I'll be in the bathroom in case you go anywhere.
Julie
Julie: LOL! I love you very, very, very, very much!
ReplyDeleteYou are right, this whole good and bad isn't useful. How about "I used to be better"?
Yes yes! Hear hear! What Julie said!
ReplyDeleteIn so many of your posts you confound depression with morality!
This past winter I was going through some rough times, so for the first time in years I was more *relaxed* with my veganism--ate some products with milk in them. I do not feel the least bit guilty about it, and I do not believe my integrity was compromised. Now that I have more energy, I'll get back to my usual standards.
Same with when I once had an employee who wasn't pulling her weight. Was it laziness? Or was she just less able to multitask like the others? Well I found out she was a 17 year old caring for her 14 year old sister. Not lazy! So I took away a number of tasks, simplified her job, so she could focus on getting better at just 2-3 things.
There wasn't an ethical problem, just ability.
My assvice of the day: Maybe there's just ONE thing you can decide to do in the week, and ignore everything else? I think that not going to that meeting is the right decision, if it means you will take a nap, and then muster up allll your energy and take care of ONE piece of business. Send out a CV, or pay a bill, or request the extension, or do the dishes.
Assvice #2: Today I was reading more about the pill I'm taking for headaches. While it's not making me depressed, it's causing me to cry a lot. And I learned that in some people it affects their moods so drastically that within one week of starting it they had suicidal thoughts. As soon as they went off it, they stopped wanting to kill themselves.
So just a reminder--never take for granted that the psych med your on could even be CAUSING your fatigue, or your bleak state of mind.
[Feel free to come to my blog and assvice me back when I'm annoying you!!]
And now an e-hug. o
And a Quebec kiss on either cheek. x x
See you back here soon. :-)
London Mabel, i'll ask my psych about the meds making me sleepy. However, the bleak state of mine existed before the med change and didn't exist last year when I was on same meds. it's a place i come back to, a place I'd rather never visit again.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for the assvice. I appreciate it.
Hmm yes, I see that from the next post.
ReplyDeleteMy headache meds make me sleepy too.