I did nothing today. I take that back; finally, at the end of the day, I put the dishes in the dishwasher and started it. I shook out the toaster crumbs. And I wiped down the parts of the counter I have access to, as well as the inside of the sink. And I only did that because there are these small brown insects flying around, bothering the shit out of me. I want the place cleaner before I complain to the office.
I haven't checked on the as-yet-unplanted plants in a few days. They are probably dead and I'll need to replace them. I haven't even sat out on the deck in the recycled-plastic adirondack chairs I bought in January.
I didn't leave the apartment.
One of the sites I visit, JulieLand, had a very interesting tarot card and explanation on it from last night. It talked about having a scarcity mindset, among others things, and that spoke to me. I am practically screaming with anxiety over the scarcity of money in my life right now. In fact, I'm so anxious and downright terrified, that I wondered if I wouldn't be better of dead. No, I'm not going to hurt myself. But I've been wondering what's the point of my life anymore?
I have no family that I grew up with anymore: my entire nuclear family is dead, and my extended family is no family. I haven't spoken with most of my extended relatives, some of them for almost 2 decades.
Yes, I have friends who count themselves as family, more or less, and I have new friends who care. I know that there are people who would grieve if I died. But I have no real safety net. If I run out of money, I am out of luck. I have never been this close to absolute broke before. It's not like I even have expensive things to sell.
I've been out of my primary profession for long enough that I don't know the current tools, work-styles, and language anymore. And I don't want to work there either. It burn me out so much, I think it might kill me this time. At the same time, I need work.
The potential new profession is in its infancy and so far I'm not actually making money. Part of that is my fault — I haven't been learning and I lack the confidence to sell myself at this new work. I have almost nothing to show potential employers or clients. And because I am so stuck by depression and anxiety, I'm making no progress.
I am failing because I cannot function. And my failing is contributing to my lack of functioning. I'm in a death spiral.
I'm not a major part of anyone's life, except for my BFF. I'm the only one who knows him almost entirely. I'm the only one he can be himself with.
I cannot reach out for help or comfort when I am like this. I am sinking and I don't even feel like calling for a lifeline, because there is nothing that I feel as compelling me to live for.
i won't hurt myself: that would damage so many people and I cannot do that. But I'm not sure I would step out of the way of a speeding truck, either.
I know what I'm supposed to feel and think. I just don't.
1st: A virtual hug O
ReplyDelete2nd: Some positivity
When you're depressed, a day where you did the dishes and cleaned the counter is a *win* not a fail! (And most days I do neither.)
3rd Male Answer Syndrome
And don't be afraid to ask you psych to adjust your meds (when my mother was looking for the right anti-depressant, she tried Prozak and said it was like being buried in a deep dark hole, it was the worst experience of her life.) The anti-deps are just supposed to give you a leg up. If they're not doing that, the doctor needs to know.
And don't be afraid to let your therapist know of your current trauma!
4th I try to lend a virtual hand
You might have fruit flies? If so, they're easy to get rid of yourself.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2252865_make-fruit-fly-trap.html
5th Another hug O
Good luck for another day, little Timex watch.
:-)
Read through Mabel's steps one more time.... 'kay? Good, now go call the therapist and the doc/nurse lady. Tell them what you have just said here.
ReplyDeleteI'll be writing to you shortly, in the meantime, go stand outside, day or night. Deep inhale, deep exhale. Do this three times. Then go back inside and find some snappy music (I like the sound track from "Lion King 1 1/2" but you go with whatever grabs you. Then go look at the clean dishes and wiped off counter. Good job!
Thank you, for thinking of others at this horrid and painful time. We appreciate it. Very very much.
Julie (who is only a text away)
Thank you, my dears.
ReplyDeleteI cannot call my therapist or psych right now because it is the weekend and all I would get is an answering service. They would say "if this is an emergency, go to the hospital or call 911." It's not, so I won't. But I do see both of them on Monday. And I will talk to them.
@Mabel: thank you for the hugs! I'm trying the fruit fly remedy, but so far it hasn't produced any results. Apparently the flies prefer me. Or else there isn't enough or the right type of fruit in the jar. I'll let it go for a while longer.
@Julie: I didn't do what you told me to do. In my current state, if I don't act on a text or email immediately, I forget about it.